Friday, January 30, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?
Grief: How Do I
Climb Out of This Hole?
Feel what you are feeling:
Holding
everything inside will just make you explode later. If others are uncomfortable
with you being you that is their problem, not yours! The release of emotions
will become your fuel to do something constructive while on your
grief journey.
Talking about it:
Find
a friend or professional support to share your thoughts, feelings, tears and
fears with. Even if you find just one
person, he/she/they will help you move through your grief journey to a better
place. We all need that support. Unconditional listeners lets us hear ourselves
as we talk out loud and sometimes, hearing ourselves gives us the answer we are
looking for.
Taking a time out:
No
one can argue that you need a break. Sometimes, (like the death of a loved one)
life just needs to slow down or stop. If
you have an employer, you will need to take time off work. Not the usual 3 – 5
days for bereavement leave, but maybe even longer. See a doctor for advice on
how much time is right for you…. (Do you qualify for long-term leave or can you
use up some holiday time?) Right now it is
all about you.
We
all have a hierarchy of basic needs; (shelter, clothing, food etc.) With the
death of a loved one, income levels may change. Wills, legal fees, funeral
services, loss of income will impact us at a most terrifying time. Financial and “must do” demands will add to
the stress of the moment, and like a game of ping-pong will fly our emotions
into a series of ups and downs. Sometimes with the ball falling
right-off-the-table causing us to think / feel we have lost it altogether.
Emotional Hierarchy of Basic Needs:
Like
financial needs us humans require a steady dose of physical touch, hugs, love
and a sense of acceptance for who we are. While the frozen dinners and
multitude of visitors and phone-calls will last for 3 – 6 months; all this
slows down thereafter. Surround yourself with people who are keepers. Friends,
or family who will be there for a dinner invitation. (take it, or do the
inviting); go for coffee with friends. (Set a schedule like every Wednesday
Morning. This gives you something to look forward to). Visit others who cannot
get out. Start and end the gathering with a hug. They’re free and are worth a
million dollars.
Be on Guard for Grief’s’ Nasty Habits:
Be cautious about
starting or increasing smoking , drinking, over medicating, over eating or other
addictive behaviors. IF happening to you, it needs to stop now. These behaviours may
provide short term relief but will also bring on long term grief. See your
Doctor or seek profession advice.
Nights and Weekends can be the Roughest:
As we jump or pull ourselves out of bed each morning
there is an emptiness that cannot be put into words. The mornings and
afternoons we function in a fog but we do function. Then the evening hours or
weekends arrive and this emptiness deepens to a depth we never knew we could
reach. Loud music or having the T.V. on doesn’t seem to help…. We know sleep
will not come easily, so we stay up later than we used too in hopes of falling
to sleep faster once we get to bed.
Be patient with yourself:
Being
forced to start a new life doesn't happen overnight. It could take months or years.
You'll be making constant small steps that you won't even notice. Imagine
losing a pound a month. You're not going to be able to tell in the first year
that you are down 12 pounds…. BUT in the next 12 months your clothes will be too big, your friends
will be commenting, the mirror would be your friend. By the time you do see a difference,
you'll probably be awesome, happy, and content with your adjusted life style and
future prospects. (I know that sounds like going to the moon and back right now)
Until the moment comes when you wake up one morning and say “I feel different” “Don’t know why, but,
just different”. Take your time and
trust It will come. It always does. Remember H.O.P.E. “Hold On Pain Ends”
Grief is Not Invited:
Grief is a unwelcome visitor who comes and goes at will.
A song; smell; story; an old joke, even the time of day
or as you are walking through the mall…. Grief will pop-up and the tears or that
weak sinking feeling will hit without warning. This is normal and you are not
going crazy! In time these happenings will diminish in frequency and intensity.
In time you will take control remembering the good times and not be focused on
the death. In time you will create a new normal for yourself; not forgetting
your loved one (that can never happen nor do you want it to) but smiling as you
recall the good times. In time you will look to your future knowing the
strength and courage to move forward has come to you from the loved one who now
only lives in your heart. In time…..
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Grief.... I am at the start of a New Year (2015)
Grief.... we have ended a year (2014)….
and started a New Year (2015)....
Survival
Some
of us, who grieve the loss of a loved one, have just ended what could be the
two most difficult weeks of any year. Christmas and New Years create feelings
and emotions that surge to our inner most soul
and create a pain that few can
understand.
We
smiled and said we’re fine or O.K.; But we are not fine or O.K..
The norm
is to celebrate with friends, food, noise-makers and resolutions. As a griever,
you have successfully made it through these two weeks, while at times you just didn't want to go on.
Congratulations on your strength and
survival.
Fitting In
As all
around you, others seemed so happy, you may have thought
“what
do I have to be happy about? How can I possibly look forward to a new year
without the physical presence of my loved one”
Grieving hurts… and if your loss is recent (or even 10
years ago) it can be debilitating, devastating or even dangerous.
Your loved
one has died, your heart is broken, and your grief is overwhelming; you
struggle daily with the draining emotion of sadness, you don’t feel ready or hopeful
about facing a new year.
Am I Normal
You
are human, and all these feelings and emotions are what make you that way. Because
you are human, time will help you adapt and daily living can once again include
joy in these events….. as well as birthdays, anniversaries or similar special,
memorable happenings.
A Legacy of Gifts
Your love and relationship with your loved one influenced you physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. These are your
loved one’s permanent gifts to you. They can never be taken away or
forgotten.
But
you can share these gifts with others….. especially in the New Year.
My New Year Resolution
Write
a list of gifts your loved one has given you.
Maybe
a love for music, or reading, or art, or travel, or faith, or being physically active
…. (you get the idea). Match these gifts to your community needs where you
live. In memory of your loved one, volunteer your time to carry on and honor their
legacy….
Create a New Years Resolution to share these gifts with others.
Be it
with children, adults or seniors; find a place to put your loved ones gifts given
to you into action. Carry them forward by sharing them with others.
How do I create a Positive Resolution?
Helping
out at a children’s centre with crafts or sports; reading books to young
listeners at the library; joining a walking group or faith related study group.
You need to put the pieces of the puzzle together
and end up with a picture of how you will change your world (and the world for
others) over the next 12 months. Come Christmas or New Years 2015/16. you will
be better equipped to enjoy it… not forgetting your loved one, but
knowing the essence of "their being" still lives on through your actions and in
honor of them.
End Result
You
will feel stronger as you face your Christmas & New Year (2016) You may
even smile, remembering the love, joy and gifts your loved one
gave
to you still live on.
For Readers in Region of Waterloo Canada
Bill R is available for
Private Sessions
and/or referrals to Not-for-profit Organizations
providing no fee services to all denominations.
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