Butterflies in My Stomach.....

Every Summer I take a "Me day" and go into the woods..... I remember the lives I've had touch mine and feel blessed. I smile for some; cry for others; say thank you to all and go home. A toast of wine to them all at dinner and move forward on this adventure called life.  Today was that day....... In my Hospice work, Grief Counselling and Facilitating grief self-help groups I've seen it all...... Life is so rich and yet this richness is denied to many as they live THEIR Life based on the anticipated judgments of others. Be true to your soul.... it is yours. 

Legacy Activities for families

Legacy activities are a meaningful way for families to
share moments together when someone in the family
is with an advanced illness.

• Create a scrapbook with pictures/keepsakes related to a time in their life

• Create a photo album of favourite photos with accompanying captions

• Compile a binder of favourite recipes

• Compile a collection of favourite songs or hymns

• Create a quilt made out of favorite T-shirts or other fabric items

• Hand-prints of you and/or your loved ones in plaster or on paper

• Write cards for a future birthday, holiday or special occasion

• Write a poem or a song created specifically for your loved one(s)

• Plant a tree

• Book of ME – write a letter/story to your family that shares your values, 

         beliefs,  accomplishments, life lessons, etc.

Adapted from

Hospice of Waterloo Region

Newsletter

http://www.hospicewaterloo.ca/resources/legacy-activities/

Loss, Grief & Rebuilding the box that holds your life

Coping with the loss of a close friend or family member, adjusting to a new and different life, is one of the hardest challenges any of us will have to conquer. When we lose a spouse, sibling, child or parent our life as we knew it is placed in a box and shaken vigorously. Nothing makes sense anymore and we go through days half awake and half in a fog. It now becomes our task to put the box (our life) back together.... but how? 

Death is accepted as a natural part of life, (until it is one of our love ones who died). Then we do not accept it; understand it or know how to "get over it". We experience shock and confusion, sadness or even depression. 

Grieving is an important process that will at times be unbearably painful..... but it is grief that also helps us heal and reorder our life.... We start to rearrange our box, we begin to do more than exist, we start to live again. It may take months or years to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve. Grief knows no timeline, it comes when it wants and stays as long as it chooses to.

In time we will all experience loss, grieve  and then continue on with our own lives. People are more resilient than they realize and can often cope with support from family and friends. Grief is sometimes the catalyst for a renewed sense of self and can offer purpose and direction to life. But some people struggle with grief for longer periods of time and feel lost at carrying out their daily activities. Some will experience complicated grief and could benefit from the help of a person who specializes in grief counselling. 

Rebuilding the box that holds your life    

Talk about your loved one. At first you may not be able to say his/her name without chocking or tears, but in time you can recall funny moments, old jokes, special events and  tender memories.

Accept your feelings.  YOU ARE NORMAL! It is painful to have someone you love die.  You are not going crazy; you are not losing it; this is grief healing you.

Take care of yourself and your family.  Make time for outings, board games or meals together (with no electronics); one-on-one walks, or gym time. Being together is one of the best ways to keep moving forward. 

Reach out and help others dealing with the loss. Remember and celebrate the life of your loved one.Your loved one lived. Celebrate and honour their life by remembering anniversaries; special times of the year, holidays; helping out their favourite charity; telling their story or just looking at pictures from time to time. Remembering them is the price of loving them; It is also the reward.

Others can help (let them)
Grieving individuals look for answers to help come to terms with death. Here are some thoughts on moving forward.

Remember others are grieving too. You can find normalcy in your grief by sharing with others and they sharing with you. Children grieve too, so do not forget to help them better understand what has and is happening.Professionals are trained to help people better handle the fear, guilt or anxiety that can be associated with the death of a loved one. If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a counselor or other professional who specializes in Grief / Bereavement.
 

Inner and Outer Clock in Grief / Mourning

......So it’s 8 months since I lost my husband, it will be exactly one year in November that he died (an anniversary of sorts) and my life has changed forever.
I asked Bill “How much time is needed for me to “get on with my life” like friends and family were telling me to.” Eight months seemed like enough time to them and I was thinking (like so many times before) that something was wrong with me.”
Bill shared the following about two kinds of time….

“Your Outer and Inner Clock”


Outer time is dictated by a clock or a calendar. No one can control it and it is the time most people live and judge you by when you are grieving…. It just happens…. minutes become hours; hours become days; days become months and months turn into years.

He explained Inner time is my own internal clock and follows no rules. As we talked, I was able to better understand my grief and mourning…… It made sense to me.



"Each day my inner time moves in tiny, slow moving, and often painful steps. Each morning as I wake and reach to touch my loved one where he slept, my inner clock gives me a quick (punch) reminder about the day I am to face. It is like I’ve been sentenced to spend the rest of my life in this realm of numbness. Half awake and half in a dream like state where nothing is familiar any more; nothing seems real.  No energy to clean house; venture out or initiate conversations.My inner clock also decides what emotions I will have; when I will have them; how long they will last and how my mind & body will react.In a crowd or alone; walking or driving; listening to music or reading a book; all these things can trigger my inner clock into alarm and set off a series of emotional outbursts or a sense of deep loneliness / feeling of despair. These feelings pass but I just never know when they will return…… but return they do. 
The frequency and the depth of pain has diminished with the passing of Outer time. I’ve learned to navigate these moments but they will always be just around the corner.


My inner clock also holds the wonderful memories of my life with my loved one. These moments will sustain me for the rest of my life. Where once I could not say his name without uncontrollable tears; now I go through photo albums, tell stories, even share his jokes with others. My inner clock by virtue of making me feel pain, can help me heal, so I now have the strength and courage to face this new reality and find direction in creating my new life."

Your journey is yours. There are no rules, no set time limits, no right / wrong ways to grieve. Your Inner Clock is setting the pace, so be true to you and do what is right for your soul to heal.





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Children Grieve: They need you to understand!

Children experiencing grief can become lost in their feelings and emotions. Often thinking there is something wrong with them........ 

This link may help them better understand they are normal and it is OK to love someone and grieve them when they die.

Children in grief need your support: Talk with them about the death of a loved one.

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HAIR LOSS from cancer treatment.....

The emotions of hair loss during cancer treatment

Adapted from Sheryl M. Ness, R.N. April 2015

Many times when I meet with cancer survivors, we discuss the side effects of treatment. This includes both physical and emotional effects. If a person is receiving chemotherapy or radiation, hair loss may be a common side effect. For many people, losing their hair can have an emotional impact that they (and others) are not expecting.

Hair loss may be one of the most obvious signs that a person is having treatment for cancer. I have had many survivors tell me that when they started losing their hair, it made the cancer real to them and others around them.

One woman shared that first she cut her long hair shorter, followed by shaving her head in anticipation of losing her hair during treatment. She said the first hair cut had a much more emotional impact than she expected. Later, when her hair was gone, she said that it made her feel like she had no control — she felt vulnerable and exposed. She had shared her cancer diagnosis with those close to her, but now it was obvious to anyone who saw her that she was dealing with cancer.

Another woman decided to face the hair loss directly by using humor and social media. After she shaved her head, she quickly got her friends and family involved. She posted photos of herself with various wigs and had people vote on their favorite. She found support in the fact that she was open about her experience with others and even had some fun. In this way, she had some control over the situation. She was actively dealing with the hair loss by talking about it with her friends and family.

HAIR CAN GROW BACK:

Fortunately, hair loss from cancer treatment is usually temporary. Hair loss may start within two to four weeks of beginning treatment; regrowth may start about three to six months after treatment ends. At times, the first hair growth you experience may be a different color or texture, with eventual return to your normal.

RESOURCES:

If you are dealing with hair loss, ask about local resources that provide hats, scarves and wigs to cancer patients. Your local HOSPICE Office, the American OR Canadian Cancer Society all partner with many who are able and willing to assist.... such as, the Personal Care Products Council and the Professional Beauty Association to offer "Look Good…Feel Better" programs for women, men and teens. For more information, call 1-800-395-LOOK (5665) or visit their website www.lookgoodfeelbetter.org This free program helps cancer survivors discover ways to deal with skin changes using cosmetic and skin care products, as well as hair loss by learning about scarves, wigs and other accessories. 

Call your local Volunteer Bureau for other groups in your neighbourhood who might help.

Bill can be reach by email privatesessions@rogers.com

Holding Hands with a dying person....

Title palliative care.... Doctor, Nurse, PSW, or Volunteer. In reality they are facilitators, coaches, a guide or caring friend. They offer kind, nonjudgmental support and guidance. They help people walk through some of the most difficult days of their life as they say good-bye to a loved one and/or the person who is dying.

Palliative Care people are unique individuals because...

They are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When they are with someone, they open their hearts, offer unconditional support, and bring this person to a new level of experience with the meaning of love.... one to another.

As a Hospice Volunteer and Bereavement Counselor / Grief Group Facilitator, friends and family often ask "It must be hard." "How do you do it?"; "Are there secrets to not getting overly involved in their life?"...... This is my response.

"Yes it is hard.....  but there is a way of being and sharing with others that honors their individuality, plus it gives them the dignity and respect they deserve as they live their final days. This way of being also supports the caregiver(s) and family members as they say good-bye to their loved one." 

• Encourage people to trust their own intuition and judgement. Most already know the "right" action to be taken and lust need to believe in themselves that they can do what must be done. There is rarely a right or wrong way to be with a dying person. Just be yourself and do the best you can.

• Information and emotional overload abound during these times. Give people only as much information as they can handle. Don't show what you know by using medical terms or ten-syllable words. Keep answers short and to the point. Help them understand what is happening and what may be next. Dying is a normal process and it is often harder on the observer that the individual who is passing.     

• No one wants to make a wrong decision when someones life is ending. Family will often ask for your direction on what to do next.....  Decision making is theirs, so don't take their power away from them. Help them work through their options, emotions and feelings. The final decision is theirs to make. 

• Keeping my ego at bay.  As I arrive I visualize hanging my own ego up on a hanger. This is their journey, not mine. I take no power from them. I make no judgments on who they are, their beliefs or actions. I am not a surrogate decision maker. 

• We most often fail at things we do for the first time. (That is how we learn). Supporting a family member who is dying (if the first time) leaves lots of room for mistakes or new learning's. (Giving a needle; feeding; bathing or toileting.) Help them feel safe enough to fail; not to get it right the first time is O.K.. To be nervous about trying new things or having new responsibilities for their loved one are normal.

• Provide guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness. Again, this is not your journey, it is theirs. LISTEN to their thoughts, fears and worry. Just listening is sometimes the greatest gift you can give. No judgement, no "other ways of seeing it" or imposing your values or beliefs..... Just listen.

On leaving their home or hospital you can get your ego back off the hanger and be on your way. 

So my response to questions from friends and family....

 " On arrival to their home, I place all of my daily trials and tribulations in an imaginary  box on the front seat of my car. This visit will be about them / not me. When I leave, I take my stuff out of the box and place theirs in the box..... until our next visit."

Bill can be reached at privatesessions@rogers.com

Scientists May Have Discovered A New Important Cause Of Depression

May or may not be factual.... This has not be verified by me.... but makes an interesting and hopeful read

Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?

Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?

Feel what you are feeling:  

Holding everything inside will just make you explode later. If others are uncomfortable with you being you that is their problem, not yours! The release of emotions will become your fuel to do something constructive while on your grief journey.

 

Talking about it:

Find a friend or professional support to share your thoughts, feelings, tears and fears with.  Even if you find just one person, he/she/they will help you move through your grief journey to a better place. We all need that support. Unconditional listeners lets us hear ourselves as we talk out loud and sometimes, hearing ourselves gives us the answer we are looking for.

Taking a time out: 

No one can argue that you need a break. Sometimes, (like the death of a loved one) life just needs to slow down or stop. If you have an employer, you will need to take time off work. Not the usual 3 – 5 days for bereavement leave, but maybe even longer. See a doctor for advice on how much time is right for you…. (Do you qualify for long-term leave or can you use up some holiday time?)  Right now it is all about you.

Death creates paperwork:  

We all have a hierarchy of basic needs; (shelter, clothing, food etc.) With the death of a loved one, income levels may change. Wills, legal fees, funeral services, loss of income will impact us at a most terrifying time.  Financial and “must do” demands will add to the stress of the moment, and like a game of ping-pong will fly our emotions into a series of ups and downs. Sometimes with the ball falling right-off-the-table causing us to think / feel we have lost it altogether.   

Emotional Hierarchy of Basic Needs:

Like financial needs us humans require a steady dose of physical touch, hugs, love and a sense of acceptance for who we are. While the frozen dinners and multitude of visitors and phone-calls will last for 3 – 6 months; all this slows down thereafter. Surround yourself with people who are keepers. Friends, or family who will be there for a dinner invitation. (take it, or do the inviting); go for coffee with friends. (Set a schedule like every Wednesday Morning. This gives you something to look forward to). Visit others who cannot get out. Start and end the gathering with a hug. They’re free and are worth a million dollars.

Be on Guard for Grief’s’ Nasty Habits: 

Be cautious about starting or increasing smoking , drinking, over medicating, over eating or other addictive behaviors. IF happening to you, it needs to stop now. These behaviours may provide short term relief but will also bring on long term grief. See your Doctor or seek profession advice.

Nights and Weekends can be the Roughest:

As we jump or pull ourselves out of bed each morning there is an emptiness that cannot be put into words. The mornings and afternoons we function in a fog but we do function. Then the evening hours or weekends arrive and this emptiness deepens to a depth we never knew we could reach. Loud music or having the T.V. on doesn’t seem to help…. We know sleep will not come easily, so we stay up later than we used too in hopes of falling to sleep faster once we get to bed.

Be patient with yourself:

Being forced to start a new life doesn't happen overnight. It could take months or years. You'll be making constant small steps that you won't even notice. Imagine losing a pound a month. You're not going to be able to tell in the first year that you are down 12 pounds…. BUT in the next 12 months  your clothes will be too big, your friends will be commenting, the mirror would be your friend. By the time you do see a difference, you'll probably be awesome, happy, and content with your adjusted life style and future prospects. (I know that sounds like going to the moon and back right now) Until the moment comes when you wake up one morning and say “I feel different” “Don’t know why, but, just different”.  Take your time and trust It will come. It always does. Remember H.O.P.E. “Hold On Pain Ends”

Grief is Not Invited:

Grief is a unwelcome visitor who comes and goes at will.

A song; smell; story; an old joke, even the time of day or as you are walking through the mall…. Grief will pop-up and the tears or that weak sinking feeling will hit without warning. This is normal and you are not going crazy! In time these happenings will diminish in frequency and intensity. In time you will take control remembering the good times and not be focused on the death. In time you will create a new normal for yourself; not forgetting your loved one (that can never happen nor do you want it to) but smiling as you recall the good times. In time you will look to your future knowing the strength and courage to move forward has come to you from the loved one who now only lives in your heart. In time….. 

Grief.... I am at the start of a New Year (2015)

Grief.... we have ended a year (2014)….

 and started a New Year (2015)....

Survival

Some of us, who grieve the loss of a loved one, have just ended what could be the two most difficult weeks of any year. Christmas and New Years create feelings and emotions that surge to our inner most soul 

and create a pain that few can understand.

We smiled and said we’re fine or O.K.; But we are not fine or O.K..

The norm is to celebrate with friends, food, noise-makers and resolutions. As a griever, you have successfully made it through these two weeks, while at times you just didn't want to go on.  

Congratulations on your strength and survival.

Fitting In

As all around you, others seemed so happy, you may have thought

“what do I have to be happy about? How can I possibly look forward to a new year without the physical presence of my loved one”

Grieving hurts… and if your loss is recent (or even 10 years ago) it can be debilitating, devastating or even dangerous.

     

Your loved one has died, your heart is broken, and your grief is overwhelming; you struggle daily with the draining emotion of sadness, you don’t feel ready or hopeful about facing a new year.  

Am I Normal

You are human, and all these feelings and emotions are what make you that way. Because you are human, time will help you adapt and daily living can once again include joy in these events….. as well as birthdays, anniversaries or similar special, memorable happenings.

A Legacy of Gifts

Your love and relationship with your loved one influenced you physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. These are your loved one’s permanent gifts to you. They can never be taken away or forgotten. 

But you can share these gifts with others….. especially in the New Year.

My New Year Resolution

Write a list of gifts your loved one has given you.  

Maybe a love for music, or reading, or art, or travel, or faith, or being physically active …. (you get the idea). Match these gifts to your community needs where you live. In memory of your loved one, volunteer your time to carry on and honor their legacy…. 

Create a New Years Resolution to share these gifts with others.

Be it with children, adults or seniors; find a place to put your loved ones gifts given to you into action. Carry them forward by sharing them with others.

How do I create a Positive Resolution?

Helping out at a children’s centre with crafts or sports; reading books to young listeners at the library; joining a walking group or faith related study group. You need to put the pieces of the puzzle together and end up with a picture of how you will change your world (and the world for others) over the next 12 months. Come  Christmas or New Years 2015/16. you will be better equipped to enjoy it… not forgetting your loved one, but knowing the essence of "their being" still lives on through your actions and in honor of them.

End Result

You will feel stronger as you face your Christmas & New Year (2016) You may even smile, remembering the love, joy and gifts your loved one 

gave to you still live on.

For Readers in Region of Waterloo Canada

Bill R is available for 

Private Sessions 

and/or referrals to Not-for-profit Organizations 

providing no fee services to all denominations.

privatesessions@rogers.com