Our first Christmas without you....

Our first Christmas without you....

Our first Christmas without you....

A Christmas Message from Heaven.

Posted by Steve Wentworth

  

 'Steve Wentworth' author. 

For most of us, Christmas is a time for joy, laughter and spending quality time with friends and family. But this time of year is often the most difficult and painful for anyone coping with bereavement.

The grief we feel when losing someone close to us is unlike any other feeling. Words cannot even begin to scratch the surface or do justice to the sorrow we endure. Nothing ever prepares us for the utter despair and Christmas just seems to make our loss all the more poignant.

There is nothing wrong with grieving. Grief is a natural process that human beings and many animals need to go through. But why does grief sometimes seem to last so long? 

We grieve because we deeply miss someone who was a big part of our lives. Grief not only happens when someone dies, it also occurs when a relationship breaks down or a person is 

no longer a part of our lives. Whether the person we have lost is physically alive or not, the feeling can be exactly the same and just as intense.

Grief is a feeling unlike any other. It is one of immense incompletion and despair. Our hearts ache with the deep loss we feel for that special person and we long for the emptiness to be filled with their presence again. We long to physically embrace them in our arms once more, to hear their voice, touch their skin and smell their scent one more time.

When they were with us, we loved them so much that they carved a chasm deep in our hearts. But now they are gone, even the thought of beginning to move on without them seems an impossible task and even disloyal to their memory. So instead of looking for peace, we sit on the edge the chasm they carved, staring longingly for them, but instead, all we see is the vast, cold void of emptiness. The chasm in our hearts no longer becomes associated with the deep love we felt for them, it becomes a ‘Chasm of Grief’. This ‘Chasm of Grief’ provides us with constant, painful reminders of the person we lost. But to have a reminder of them, no matter how much it hurts, feels better than having no reminder at all. This is how the Chasm of Grief begins to consume us.

Sometimes, we try to cope with the pain by shutting ourselves away, especially if others seem to be coping better with their grief than we are. But we are all different, and the ways in which we manage our loss are personal and unique to each individual. 

Occasionally, we reach out to others. We want someone to listen to us talk for a while and acknowledge our grief without judgment. However, this is when we hear that oh so familiar phrase, 'Give it time.'  

‘Give it time’, is one of those well-intentioned pieces of advice frequently offered to us whether we asked for advice or not. To be fair, even if the people we turn to have also lost someone close at some point in their lives, most do not know what to say to help you through your time of need. Saying ‘Give it time’, fills up some of that awkward silence. But most of all, it allows them to walk away from the conversation feeling as though they have helped you out, when the only thing you really wanted, was for someone to just sit down with you and listen without saying a word.

But you know what? I hear from so many people who are hurting just as badly as they did when they first lost their wife, son, mother, father, daughter, husband, step parent, nephew, grandfather, grandchild, grandmother, niece, aunty, best friend, uncle, partner... ten, twenty or even thirty years ago and longer. Time does NOT always make things better and time is definitely NOT guaranteed to heal the pain or take away your grief.

So I'm not going to patronize you and suggest that you 'Give it more time'. Instead, I just want to convey one message.
 

What I am about to share with you does not require any faith in God. Whether you believe in an afterlife, or even if you don't, this message is just as much for atheists as it is for believers of all faiths and traditions. While faith provides many billions of people with enormous comfort, the truth is, faith is not the important factor and faith has never been a requirement for coming to terms with your loss. In my experience, there is only one factor that truly matters, and this is the universal key to making the pain of losing someone a little easier to bear.

Do you remember the 'Chasm of Grief' we were staring into? Well, the reason why it feels so bad when we stare into this deep, dark void of emptiness, is because there is nothing. It is a lifeless abyss. It is cold, dead and silent. This deathly silence just hurts us even more, reminding us of their death and the silence we have endured every single day since we lost them. Even though it hurts, we still cling to the grief because the pain is such a potent reminder of our loss. But that is what the ‘Chasm of Grief’ does. It tricks us into clinging to the loss, rather than remembering the person. This is why grief feels so empty, lifeless and hopeless. The empty ‘Chasm of Grief’ has the power to fill us with such a dreadful, hollow sadness, that in some cases, the pain of grief can last for years or even decades.

So how do we overcome the power of the Chasm of Grief? Before you feel the pull to stare once more into the ‘Chasm of Grief’, write down some happy memories of the person who is 

no longer in your life. Do it now.

Think of their smile, their face, how you held them, the sound of their laughter or something you did together. Whether the memories make you cry, laugh or smile, write them all down on a piece of paper. Have you done it? Now, fold the paper up and keep it with you at all times.

As you begin to dread the approach of Christmas and your thoughts start wandering ever closer toward the edge of the ‘Chasm of Grief’, unfold the piece of paper and read what you have written on it. Allow your mind to focus on those memories. Allow those memories to fill your consciousness. Let them make you smile, or even shed a few tears. When you do this, it’s important that you connect with the memory of the person, rather than the feelings of loss. Relive those special moments as if they were still with you. Feel the joy and love. As you connect with the memories, instead of the loss, you will begin to feel the universal key to managing grief coming to the forefront of your awareness. So what is this 'universal key'?

When you are grieving for someone, it is because of the love you feel for them. You don’t require a spiritual faith to believe in love. An atheist who is grieving for the loss of a loved one believes in love. Even though they cannot prove their love ever existed, they know that the love they have for that person is without a shred of doubt, absolutely real.

So rather than staring into the emptiness of the ‘Chasm of Grief’ this Christmas, each time you immerse yourself in the happy memories you once shared with the person you have lost, instead of the cold, lonely, emptiness, you feel the strength of the love you shared with this person.

And you know what? The love you are feeling, as you remember your loved one, is just as strong as when they were physically here with you. You see, love is unbroken by death or by distance. It remains intact and even has the ability to continue to evolve and grow stronger.

Love is so immensely powerful that when you recall those happy memories, it is as if someone is physically surrounding you in their warm embrace. When you relive the love you share with your loved one, rather than recalling the loss, the love begins to pour into the void of emptiness left by grief, over time gradually replacing the cold, empty, darkness of loss, with the warmth and light of love.

Unlike the emptiness of the ‘Chasm of Grief’, love is very much alive. As long as your love lives on, your loved one lives on with you.

Love transcends death; it is the bridge that connects us, an unbreakable bond. The love you 

are feeling right now as you remember them, that love IS your loved one. Through your darkest hours, they were embracing you all along with their love... holding you, comforting you, and 

living on in your heart.

Through love, we live forever...

...because love NEVER dies.

My Grief..... My Table

Grief Changes Relationships

Loss, Grief & Rebuilding the box that holds your life

Coping with the loss of a close friend or family member, adjusting to a new and different life, is one of the hardest challenges any of us will have to conquer. When we lose a spouse, sibling, child or parent our life as we knew it is placed in a box and shaken vigorously. Nothing makes sense anymore and we go through days half awake and half in a fog. It now becomes our task to put the box (our life) back together.... but how? 

Death is accepted as a natural part of life, (until it is one of our love ones who died). Then we do not accept it; understand it or know how to "get over it". We experience shock and confusion, sadness or even depression. 

Grieving is an important process that will at times be unbearably painful..... but it is grief that also helps us heal and reorder our life.... We start to rearrange our box, we begin to do more than exist, we start to live again. It may take months or years to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve. Grief knows no timeline, it comes when it wants and stays as long as it chooses to.

In time we will all experience loss, grieve  and then continue on with our own lives. People are more resilient than they realize and can often cope with support from family and friends. Grief is sometimes the catalyst for a renewed sense of self and can offer purpose and direction to life. But some people struggle with grief for longer periods of time and feel lost at carrying out their daily activities. Some will experience complicated grief and could benefit from the help of a person who specializes in grief counselling. 

Rebuilding the box that holds your life    

Talk about your loved one. At first you may not be able to say his/her name without chocking or tears, but in time you can recall funny moments, old jokes, special events and  tender memories.

Accept your feelings.  YOU ARE NORMAL! It is painful to have someone you love die.  You are not going crazy; you are not losing it; this is grief healing you.

Take care of yourself and your family.  Make time for outings, board games or meals together (with no electronics); one-on-one walks, or gym time. Being together is one of the best ways to keep moving forward. 

Reach out and help others dealing with the loss. Remember and celebrate the life of your loved one.Your loved one lived. Celebrate and honour their life by remembering anniversaries; special times of the year, holidays; helping out their favourite charity; telling their story or just looking at pictures from time to time. Remembering them is the price of loving them; It is also the reward.

Others can help (let them)
Grieving individuals look for answers to help come to terms with death. Here are some thoughts on moving forward.

Remember others are grieving too. You can find normalcy in your grief by sharing with others and they sharing with you. Children grieve too, so do not forget to help them better understand what has and is happening.Professionals are trained to help people better handle the fear, guilt or anxiety that can be associated with the death of a loved one. If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a counselor or other professional who specializes in Grief / Bereavement.
 

Children Grieve: They need you to understand!

Children experiencing grief can become lost in their feelings and emotions. Often thinking there is something wrong with them........ 

This link may help them better understand they are normal and it is OK to love someone and grieve them when they die.

Children in grief need your support: Talk with them about the death of a loved one.

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It didn't happen on your watch Doc.... It just happened....

A recent article I read spoke of the 2nd year of grieving.....
I have been in a dark hole the last few weeks, I was not just a grieving single mother. Tears, bad thoughts, withdrawal, extreme anger and sadness, loneliness....these emotions have surrounded me. It's all too easy to get lost in this, struggling round and round at the bottom of the whirlpool, with an overwhelming feeling that if I was religious or more spiritual, and believed totally that I would see him again, then it wouldn't be so bad......but I'm not.

Somewhere, deep within me, I knew I could crawl out of the sludge at the bottom of the hole eventually. I remembered the glimpses of hope I had in the first year of grief. I remembered my mantra of "joy and purpose". I remembered the self made promise that I would not allow myself to be worse in the second year of grief, like all the books say, yet here I was, drowning in the reality that my boy was gone. I felt like I had a small collection of friends that I let my guard down with, and I begged them not to think I was depressed just because I always cried with them. The rest of the time I wore my masks and became more reclusive.

Then I met someone new to grief. His wife has breast cancer and he had tears in his eyes telling me their story. I shared my story and tears in return. It was an odd moment, one shared by two strangers in the parallel universe of suffering. I thought no more of it until I received a card from him with the following amazing words:



"A good Doctor deals with the known-known's. A great Doctor deals with the known-unknown's, but no Doctor can deal with the unknown-unknown's. It didn't happen on your watch Doc, it just happened while you were on watch...."


                         



Yep, it just happened. There is no sense to be made of it. It wasn't my fault. I have to stop blaming myself, hating myself. I have to move on, if only at a crawling pace. The depth of grief represents the love we have for the one we've lost, and a parent's love is immeasurable. I'm struggling. I'm exhausted. I accept that. Like a pregnant woman who only sees the other pregnant women in the crowd, I am only seeing the death, loss and sadness around me, and there is plenty of that. I give everything I have to work and to my daughter and to grief. There is nothing left for anyone else, and there is nothing coming back for me. There has to be some way to make this pain better.

Note to Readers:
"There has to be some way to make this pain better." The pain will diminish; the thoughts will change from being focused "on the death" or "how he/she died" to "how he/she lived". Time will make this happen..... at the appropriate time.... you can not rush it; but it will happen.

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow....(Gandhi)

 “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  
Learn as if you were to live forever.” 

In the midst of my sorrow I now realize this tragic loss taught me three important things.  

First, the worst things can happen to the best people for no obvious reason at all.  

Second, most people, even the ones you don’t think care, are genuinely good people who do care.

  

Third, just as it is difficult to see all the opportunities life gives you until you’re looking back, it is virtually impossible to fully understand certain life circumstances until they actually happen to you.

It’s a variation of this final point that I want to explore – 
Seven important life lessons almost everyone learns the hard way, (eventually).

1.  The people you lose remain a part of you.

Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss.  As life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence.

When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss.  You will never forget them.  However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news.  They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn't fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound.  It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.

2.  The pursuit of happiness is about finding meaning.

Pursuing happiness is not at all the same as being happy, which is a fleeting feeling dependent on momentary circumstances.  If the sun is shining, by all means bask in it.  Happy times are great and often fun-filled, but happy times pass, because time passes.  This is something we rarely grasp at first.

The lifelong pursuit of happiness, on the other hand, is more elusive; it’s not based on a particular outcome.  What you are really pursuing is meaning – living a meaningful life.  It starts with your “why.”  (Why are you doing what you’re doing with your life?)  When your “why” is meaningful, you are pursuing happiness.  There will be times when things go so wrong that you barely feel alive.  And there will also be times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a lifeless existence for eighty years on someone else’s terms.  The pursuit isn't all or nothing; it’s all AND nothing, with ups and downs and worthwhile lessons along the way.

In other words, happiness comes most easily when you know what you’re doing, believe in what you’re doing, and love what you’re doing (and who you’re doing it with), regardless of how things turn out.

3.  Seeking validation from others invalidates YOU.

Has the fear of rejection held you back?  Have you ever been so fearful of what others might think or say about you that it kept you from taking positive action?  I bet you’re shaking your head, “yes.”

It’s time to change your mindset…

Today, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.  Prove yourself to yourself, not others.  You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough.  You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already valuable.

If someone says “no” to you, or if someone says something negative about you, that doesn’t change anything about YOU.  The words and opinions of others have no real bearing on your worth.  Certainly it can be helpful and desirable to make a good impression in certain situations, yet it’s not the end of the world when you are faced with rejection.

It’s great to receive positive feedback, but it simply doesn't always happen.  That’s OK though, because you know where you’re headed and you know your true worth does not depend on the judgment of others.  When you set out to make a true difference in life, there will be those who disagree with you, those who ignore you, and those who flat out reject your ideas and efforts.  Look beyond them, step confidently forward, do what must be done, and let them think what they will.

4.  Regret hurts far worse than fear.

When we give in to our fears, we have a harder time looking at ourselves in the mirror.  Sadly, very few of us escape learning this lesson firsthand.  If you have already experienced this a time or two, you know what you need to do.

It is only when we risk losing that we truly open the possibility to win.  Whether it is quitting your job to build a business, running a marathon, or traveling to unknown parts of the world, any worthy endeavor requires risk, struggle and sacrifice.  Some of these things may even terrify you, but ask yourself if these fears are stronger than the most powerful of fears, the fear of a wasted life?

If you've never lost your mind, you've never followed your heart.  It’s better to look back on life and say, “I can’t believe I did that,” than to look back and say, “I wish I did that.”  Don’t let time pass you by like a hand waving from a train you desperately want to be on.  Don’t spend the rest of your life thinking about why you didn't do what you can do right now.  Live your life.  Take risks.  Feel passion.  Discover love.  Run free.

5.  Life is too unpredictable for rigid expectations.

When you stop predicting and expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are.  Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.

With a positive attitude and an open mind, you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that “the easy” and “the hard” aren't exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.

Ninety-nine percent of the time life delivers the experiences that are most helpful for your personal growth.  How do you know it’s the experience you need?  Because it’s the experience you’re having.  The only question is:  Will you embrace it and grow, or fight it and fade?

The key, of course, is to accept that not everything is meant to be.  When things don’t turn out how you expected, you have to seriously sit down with yourself and come to grips with the fact that you were wrong about it all along.  It was just an illusion that never really was what you thought it was.  It’s one of the most difficult realizations to accept, to realize that you feel a sense of loss, even though you never really had what you thought you had in the first place.

6.  When you try to run away, you end up running in place.

“Don’t think about eating that chocolate donut!”  What are you thinking about now?  Eating that chocolate donut, right?  When you focus on not thinking about something, you end up thinking about it.

The same philosophy holds true when it comes to freeing your mind from a negative past experience.  By persistently trying to move away from what you didn't like and don’t want, you are forced to think about it so much that you end up carrying it’s weight along with you.  But if you instead choose to focus your energy on moving toward something you do like and do want, you naturally leave the negative weight behind as you progress forward.

Bottom line:  Running away from your problems is a race you’ll never win.  Move TOWARDS something instead of AWAY.  Rather than trying to eliminate the negative, focus on creating something positive that just happens to replace the negative.

7.  Unanticipated hardships are inevitable and helpful.

Nobody in this world is going to blindside you and hit you as hard as life will.  Sometimes life will beat you to the ground and try to keep you there if you let it.  But it’s not about how hard life can hit you, it’s about how hard you can be hit while continuing to move forward.  That’s what true strength is, and that’s what winning the game of life is all about.

When you have a lot to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and take a step forward instead, you are growing stronger.  Work through your struggles and hardships.  Even when it feels like things are falling apart, they’re not.  Take control of your emotions before they take control of you.  Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know that it’s all worthwhile in the end.

Afterthoughts

Gandhi once said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever.”  I love this quote.  There’s no doubt that every day is a gift, and the gift is an opportunity to live, to learn, and to grow.

Be a student of life.  Indulge in it and absorb all the knowledge you can, while you can.  You may have to loose some things to gain some things, and you may have to learn some things the hard way.  That’s OK.  All experiences are necessary.  The purpose of your life is to live it in full, to partake in it to the utmost, to reach out with an open mind and an honest heart for the newest and richest experience being offered.

written by Marc and Angel

What does time have to do with grief?

Q: What does time have to do with grief?

A: Everything. 

Like most of us; in your everyday life the clock and the calendar run your days and nights.   Time is a commodity that is precious to you, but once gone you cannot buy more or bring back what's already past. There is no warranty on time.

We live in a society that reminds us that every moment counts, and like most of us you try to multitask, cramming as much as you can into every day. Office/work, home chores, child needs, our own needs and the needs of those in our life circle. (friends, family, co-workers)

As you are grieving your loved one(s), time does stand still.  All you know and believe about time changes. You function daily to some degree but more in a haze or fog that starts and ends with each day. You get some things done but you don't know how you managed.

Time stands still.
You question the world "How dare it function as before.....
Don't they know you have died? Don't they know I am grieving; my life is in shambles?"



Time for grieving has a limit. (Not)
Your employer gives you three days off to grieve, then back to work you go.... or use up some vacation time.

Friends will understand for a month or two that you need to talk about your loved one or even openly cry . During this time your friends will probably seem to be responsive to your needs. They'll bring frozen dinners or telephone just to say hi. But when "time is up" they may start to give hints or say out loud  "Don't you think that it’s time to move on; it's time to get over “it”". "Are you still in that slump?" " Deal with it, it's been 6 months now!"

Some friends or family members may start to be uncomfortable with your need to dwell on your sadness. They do not appreciate that it takes time to readjust our life.  

True support is from those who are willing and able to walk along side you on your personal journey of grief, and who will encourage you to determine when your “time’s up”. This could take months, even years. We never get "Over It" we just learn over time to change the focus of how they died to the good memories, fun times or quiet private moments shared.

Doing Time.
Grief may make you feel locked in your own version of hell. You won’t like who you are. You won’t like that your loved one has gone. You won’t like it that your friends can’t make you feel better. You just want out of here, and you're not sure you want to do the work that grief requires in order to be set free from this grief jail. Some of you will remain in this uncomfortable place for a short time while others may "seem over it" sooner, leaving you to feel you have been given a longer sentence.



Wasting time.
While in real life our pride has us as a master at multitasking, in the land of grief you are much less sure of yourself. You find it hard to make decisions, because of your new situation you don’t trust yourself to make the right choice. You want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes your wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. You are physically exhausted and your body refuses to make an effort to reclaim your former self.

Looking back in time
When you grieve you spend most of your time, at least at first, looking back. It seems more in control that way. That’s where your missing loved ones are. If you were to look forward, that would mean you have to imagine your  life without the loved one you lost. And that’s what you aren't ready to accept--not yet. So you spend a lot of time thinking how you should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if you used your time with them well. In time as you remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times you can see these as moving forward in your grief journey.



Firsts are how you measure the first year or two
It is natural for you to gauge your life after a loss as you anticipate and then go through the FIRST TIMES....

First day, first week, first month, first time you go out, the first time you are back to school, or church, or work. First Summer vacation, first Christmas, first Winter vacation, first time you laughed. These first times are like benchmarks, notches in your belt that prove you are surviving when you weren't sure you wanted to, or didn't know you could. Another first time is the anniversary of your loved ones death or His/her birthday or your child's birthday with out mom / dad. Later in life first times might include Graduation or school events, marriages of your children or birth of a grandchild. While these may occur years later, the loss, sad feelings, regrets can all return as if the death was yesterday..... This only means you are normal.

Mealtime
There’s an empty chair at the table. There’s the conversation that seems to be just noise, having little to do with the absent one about whom you are all thinking but not daring to speak. You still prepare more food than you now need because we haven’t yet figured out how to cook for one less person.
Sometimes the food seems to have no taste, and is not able to do what you want it to do; to fill that huge hole (empty feeling) within you.

Time out
Sometimes what you need to do is to take a time out from your regular activities. Have a "Me Day" to reflect on what has happened to your personal world. It’s in the quiet time, when you shut off your every day thinking and empty out the daily chatter in your head. Others will have to be okay with your need to bow out for a while. Remember that during grief your job is to take care of yourself, not to take care of your friends. When it’s time to re-enter a normal routine, it’s your choice what you will reinstate and what you decide to lay aside. Loss tends to redefine your priorities. What used to be important may not be important now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Time heals what reason cannot.
Time will change things. The intensity you experience when grief is new, where you can see nothing but your loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer. Time forces the big picture of life back into your vision whether you like it or not.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life in your world will once again seem possible. This will not happen because you come to understand the death more clearly. It will happen with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with and each "first" experience will bring you closer to understanding your strength and ability to build a new you in a new world.

Time will keep some of your grief forever.
The scars of your grief will remain and you may find yourself ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite so important as it once was.