Coping with Guilt and Anger

Coping with Guilt and Anger

Introduction for Coping with Guilt

One of the things we do when we feel there’s nothing we can do, is feel guilty.  

Guilt Phrases:

If only….                                What if….

I should have….                     I could have….

I would have….

In a situation where there is nothing we can do, we try to think of something we could have/should have/would have done…

Thoughts on Guilt

·         Guilt gives us a feeling of control or an illusion of control

·         Guilt looks for ways to change the outcome

·         There is a big difference between BEING guilty and FEELING guilty

·         Issue is not guilt. It is our sense of helplessness & powerlessness

·         Need to come to terms with guilt as it is a negative and counter-productive emotion.

FORGIVENESS IS THE KEY TO DEALING WITH GUILT, BLAME, AND ANGER

Helpful Hints in Coping with Guilt

1.      Recognize that some things in life are beyond our control.

2.      See guilt for what it is-an emotional setup

3.      Concentrate on the things we did do with or for our loved one and learn to let the rest go.

“No one can persuade us to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be open from the inside. We cannot open the gate for another, only our own.”         

                                   

Coping with Anger

Some People Need to Blame.

Root of Guilt is often the Feelings of Helplessness.

Grief attempts take responsibility for the experience, but are really attempts to regain the illusion that we are in control of our lives. 

Root of Anger: Feelings of Helplessness.

Thoughts on Anger:

·         Desperate attempt to find a cause for the situation.

·         A protest against something we are unable to control.

·         Anger is not necessarily a negative emotion.

·         Anger needs to be expressed appropriately, focused in the right direction.

·         Our anger often gets misdirected or misplaced.

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

There are resources in most communities, a note to myself and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is to ask for assistance. 

This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

Ten Ways to Help the Bereaved

Ten Ways to Help the Bereaved

1.      Be present and attentive to the bereaved person.
2.      Allow for moments of silence and reflection.
3.      Listen in a non-judgmental and accepting way .
4.      Avoid the use of clichés such as 
"Think of all the good times", 
"You can always have another child", 
"I know how you feel", 
"Aren't you over that yet?".
5.      Mention the deceased person's name and encourage the bereaved person to talk about them. Enjoy a coffee or tea with them as they reminisce with you.
6.      Offer practical and emotional support e.g. by minding children or cooking a meal, cutting the grass, doing the groceries / or going with them.
7.      Understand that tears are normal and a healthy part of the grieving process.
8.      Don't try to fill in conversations with a lot of outside news.
9.      Remember that grief may take years to work through.
10.  Acknowledge anniversaries and dates of significance with the bereaved person.

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

How Relationships Can Change after the death of a loved one:

Changing Relationships after loss of a loved one:

After the death of a significant person in your life, you may find that your relationships with family and friends may change.  Sometimes this is a positive change and other times it is not.

Some reasons why relationships change after the death of a loved one:

-          Your priorities may change

-          Your interests may change

-          Your needs are different

-          You may feel that they don’t understand you or your grief

-          You may find that when you need them most they are not there for you (they may be grieving as well or they may not be able to support you in your grief)

-          They may prioritize their relationship to the loved one and minimize your grief or their own

-          Some may be uncomfortable around you

-          Some may not know how to relate to you without your loved one (afraid to say or do the wrong thing.)

I can be in a crowd and feel lonely;

I can be alone and feel fine.

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling  

Impact of Grief on our Daily Life.... Body, Soul & Spirit

IMPACT of GRIEF

Grief can impact your body, soul and spirit. It does this in different ways for different people as no two people grieve the same way.  

Grief affects the physical self with things such as appetite changes, lowered immune system or aches, pains and more pron to sickness of one kind or another. 

Grief affects the emotional self with things such as guilt, fear, anger, sadness and uncontrolled tears. Guilt: Why didn't I; I should have; If only I had. Fear of being alone; What now. Anger at self, doctors; decisions made; anger at others; anger at the creator. Sadness comes and goes at will; no warning; no reason, just tears that begin to flow and end when they please.

Grief affects the spiritual self* with questioning, such as the meaning of life, the existence of a higher power, our own immortality or the struggle of forgiveness (our own or others). It brings us face-to-face with unconditional love.

*Note: Although spirituality and religion can be viewed together, people can think about spiritual questions with or without the influence of religion.

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling  

There are resources in most communities, a note to myself and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is to ask for assistance. 

This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

Words of Wisdom from many sources

Bereaved Families of Ontario- Midwestern Region 

Inspirational quotes donated by Jaz Integrated Graphics.  

Bereaved Families of Ontario- Midwestern Region's 

Bereaved Families of Ontario- Midwestern Region's 

Bereaved Families of Ontario- Midwestern Region's 

Bill R