Most stressful challenge a family might face

Caring for your mom or dad / brother or sister,

can be one of the most stressful challenges 
a family might face.

Family members (of all ages) view health needs differently  

         An ill family member might resists care of any kind

         Family members relive earlier happenings or past events 
         surrounding similar issues, this brings back old feelings

         One person believes they are doing more than their fair share of 
         work / covering costs

         One person takes on a self-appointed leadership role, excluding 
         others from decision making

         How the family will pay for medical care or funeral expenses

         More than one person requiring family support at the same time

         End of Life decisions regarding burial, costs and location of final 
         resting place

         Estates and Inheritances, packing up belongings and how 
         they are dispersed

         Grief and bereavement strategies, including what needs to be said to
         the younger children

         How do we (if we do) celebrate special occasions as a family

Agreeing on care, covering the costs, adhering to the individuals' wishes with dignity and respect; combined with any existing family issues can create a lifetime of discontent for the family survivors

There are solutions to these and other challenges that may arise. 

Being open to a 3^rd Party Resource could allow for new insights and a better understanding of each others point of view.

Local counselor; Doctor; Funeral Director or Clergy are but a few possible sources of a 3^rd person resource.

Some Traditions Need to Change

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

Life Storms include Death and Recovery

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

When Alzheimer's disease or dementia is diagnosed.......

Do you know you are my Mama?

When a family member is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease or a form of dementia, remember that losses have already begun some time ago. Often more aggressive than the family or the individual realizes. Family members face an uncertain future surrounded by moments of loss, anger, guilt and grief.  Any of these can and will come and go; until loss comes but does not go. 

Family members and the individual will face many of the realities of loss and grief . Their needs will be different.  While it is difficult, caregivers are encouraged to seek help in grieving as they acknowledge and face the challenges of both loss and life. 

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

There are resources in most communities, send a quick note to myself and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is to ask for assistance. 

This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

Deathbed Visions - Real or Not

Deathbed Vision Phenomena

“DVP”

The jury is still out on DVP experiences.

All over the world many individuals of different or no religious beliefs seem to experience some similar form of DVP as they come closer to their final breath. It can be weeks, days or hours before they pass. These visions give comfort and peace to the person who is dying.

The questions family members most often ask are:

• Should I ignore when my love one sees or talks to people who have already died or that I cannot see or hear? Should I tell them there is no one there?
Ans: No
If your love one is at peace with the vision(s), then it is his/her right to experience it and enjoy the comfort it brings.

• Should I talk with them about their vision as it is happening?

Ans: Yes

Ask a few questions in support of the vision. 

"Do you know who he/she is that is waiting for you?" 

"Are they talking to you or just waiting?"

I strongly suggest you do not tell them they are imagining the vision; that there is no one there. This is their vision and not yours.

• Should I talk to other family members or caregivers when / if a vision occurs?

Ans: Yes

We fear what we don't understand, so the most common approach is to say nothing for fear of being labeled crazy, or laughed at. Often talking with others let's them share if they too have noticed this behaviour. In some cases it brings great comfort to family members knowing others are waiting to show their love one where to go, or what to do once they pass.

The visions experienced most often

1   "I see someone" (or two people) who have already died. Some may have died many years ago.  Your love one may not speak but looking into a corner of the room or up at the ceiling, often with a smile on their face. They seem more at peace.

2   Some version of "I must get ready for my trip. I'll be leaving soon." or "I need to get my house in order. I'm leaving shortly."

3   The vision starts with one or two people followed by others arriving until there is a "Group" of people they can see. "It's so crowed in here, look at all these people." 

The above comments and responses are based on my own experience. It can not be scientifically proven one way or the other if visions are real.  I have experienced others as their vision occurred; I choose to believe they are real;  that after death, there is a continuation of life (spiritual) in some form.  

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

There are resources in most communities, send a quick note to myself and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is to ask for assistance. 

This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

My Journey with Bereavement

Having counselled children after their parent(s) were killed in a car accident; a young couple when their infant was stillbirth; a wife in a hospital room when the doctor shut down the life-support systems for her husband and many similar life experiences; I have some understanding of the emotional struggles of a person dying, death of a loved one and the grief / bereavement journey that follows.

I have supported these families and spent many hours visiting their loved one as their loved one faced the final days of his/her life. I have attended many Visitations and Funerals in celebration of the life of the person who died; and continue today to provide hope for families (before and after the death of their loved ones).

But even more importantly, I have experienced my own loss and experienced all the emotions and heartache of which I speak.

People will tell you what you should and shouldn't feel and how you should and shouldn't grieve.  Ignore them.

There are resources in most communities that can help.  Email me and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is the first one.   Ask for assistance. This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

The Journey to Recovery

"Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion."

The following are observations around death and the journey to recovery for family members and friends.

At first the grief is unbearable and out-of-control. Few survivors believe their life will ever be returning to any form of “normal”. The initial shock creates a numbness where the survivors do function but are not really "present" as they go through their daily tasks.

No two people grieve alike. At some point in their grief journey most people do find a way through their sorrow to become in control once again of their life.   No two people grieve alike. Finding peace unfolds at different times and to a different level, but all find their life has changed forever and they can "carry on".

"Am I going crazy!?!" At the beginning of their grief journey many grievers do think they are going crazy. Some people hear voices or see visions; others find themselves attached to odd objects like coins or mysterious happenings which they believe is communication from the person who died.

 Long-term friendships can change (some end) because of poor if any communication. If a person has not dealt with their own grief it is very difficult for them to understand yours.

People who were once emotionally strong suddenly cry at unexpected times or in unexpected places such as shopping malls, restaurants, or places of work. Survivors can feel embarrassed, guilty, edgy, withdrawn, anti-social or angry.
Sometimes they feel a mixture of many of these emotions happening at the same time. They might act in ways totally different than they have ever acted. These are some of the reasons why they feel they are going crazy; they have lost their ability to control their actions, emotions or behaviour.

A timetable for grieving does not exist, nor is there a proper way to grieve. There is a basic path, but each person finds his or her own way to travel through their grief journey. One truth however is that grief takes much longer than outsiders think it should. Relatives and co-workers can tend to get impatient with the bereaved for grieving past a magic number like three-months or one year.

You can help the griever with patience in listening, sharing of your time and by understanding this is their journey, not yours. Often the most valued gifts you can give to a griever is a willingness to listen, a willingness to talk about their loved one and give lots of "hugs".

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

You Are Never Alone when Grieving

Grief isn't something we just "get over". The emotional pain of losing a loved one can be a significant struggle in the weeks, months and even years that follow.

 It is O.K. to need additional support along the way. 

Bereaved or grieving people in Waterloo Region Ontario can request a wide range of services; including counselling, support groups and newsletters. These referrals and/or direct services are non denominational and free to anyone who is anticipating or has experienced the death of a love one. With many years in Hospice Palliative Care (Home Visits), Facilitation of Bereavement Groups, Individual and Family Counselling; this Blog is to share some of the insights I've learned.

Your reality with death and grief can make others uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters. Understand, because of these awkward moments people will say the dumbest things, make  inappropriate  comments. You do not need to own these comments.

There are resources available in your community. E-mail me a note and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining a sense of control is the first one asking for assistance. This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

Friends, this is My Wish List

Friends, this is

My Wish List


1. I wish you hadn't died. I wish I had you back.

2. I wish others wouldn't be afraid to speak your name. You lived and were very important to me. I need to hear that you were important to others as well. 

3. I wish you to speak freely of my loved one and please do not take photos or other remembrances from your home when I visit. 

4. If I cry and get emotional when we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me.  Death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my love one, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. 

5. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my loved one again by never talking about him/her. I love remembering the good times and they are a part of my healing.

6. Being bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever. 

7. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my favorite topic of  the day, my loved one. 

8. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that this death pains you, too.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.  I will be changed from this death until the day I die. 

10. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never "be over it".

11. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy“ or to “get over it”. These will not happen for a very long time (if ever) so don't frustrate yourself by trying to rescue me.

12. I don't want a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I will always miss my loved one, and I will always grieve this loss.

13. I wish you understood how my life was shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. 

14. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't feel okay and that I struggle daily. 

15. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal.

16. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle this “one hour” at a time.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. A big part of me died as well. I am not the same person I was before, and I will never be that person again. 

18. Please understand that during the day I can keep busy. But at night the pain and grief is unbearable. A call or a visit at night is priceless.

I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug. 

19 I am not going crazy. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. 

20. I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. I pray daily that you will never have to understand.

 I value our friendship and do not want to loss you too.  Just be yourself around me… 

it’s O.K..

P.S.  I love you for caring, for being you…

          Thank You.  (Hugs)

There are resources in most communities, a note to myself and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is to ask for assistance. 

This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling