It didn't happen on your watch Doc.... It just happened....

A recent article I read spoke of the 2nd year of grieving.....
I have been in a dark hole the last few weeks, I was not just a grieving single mother. Tears, bad thoughts, withdrawal, extreme anger and sadness, loneliness....these emotions have surrounded me. It's all too easy to get lost in this, struggling round and round at the bottom of the whirlpool, with an overwhelming feeling that if I was religious or more spiritual, and believed totally that I would see him again, then it wouldn't be so bad......but I'm not.

Somewhere, deep within me, I knew I could crawl out of the sludge at the bottom of the hole eventually. I remembered the glimpses of hope I had in the first year of grief. I remembered my mantra of "joy and purpose". I remembered the self made promise that I would not allow myself to be worse in the second year of grief, like all the books say, yet here I was, drowning in the reality that my boy was gone. I felt like I had a small collection of friends that I let my guard down with, and I begged them not to think I was depressed just because I always cried with them. The rest of the time I wore my masks and became more reclusive.

Then I met someone new to grief. His wife has breast cancer and he had tears in his eyes telling me their story. I shared my story and tears in return. It was an odd moment, one shared by two strangers in the parallel universe of suffering. I thought no more of it until I received a card from him with the following amazing words:



"A good Doctor deals with the known-known's. A great Doctor deals with the known-unknown's, but no Doctor can deal with the unknown-unknown's. It didn't happen on your watch Doc, it just happened while you were on watch...."


                         



Yep, it just happened. There is no sense to be made of it. It wasn't my fault. I have to stop blaming myself, hating myself. I have to move on, if only at a crawling pace. The depth of grief represents the love we have for the one we've lost, and a parent's love is immeasurable. I'm struggling. I'm exhausted. I accept that. Like a pregnant woman who only sees the other pregnant women in the crowd, I am only seeing the death, loss and sadness around me, and there is plenty of that. I give everything I have to work and to my daughter and to grief. There is nothing left for anyone else, and there is nothing coming back for me. There has to be some way to make this pain better.

Note to Readers:
"There has to be some way to make this pain better." The pain will diminish; the thoughts will change from being focused "on the death" or "how he/she died" to "how he/she lived". Time will make this happen..... at the appropriate time.... you can not rush it; but it will happen.

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow....(Gandhi)

 “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  
Learn as if you were to live forever.” 

In the midst of my sorrow I now realize this tragic loss taught me three important things.  

First, the worst things can happen to the best people for no obvious reason at all.  

Second, most people, even the ones you don’t think care, are genuinely good people who do care.

  

Third, just as it is difficult to see all the opportunities life gives you until you’re looking back, it is virtually impossible to fully understand certain life circumstances until they actually happen to you.

It’s a variation of this final point that I want to explore – 
Seven important life lessons almost everyone learns the hard way, (eventually).

1.  The people you lose remain a part of you.

Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss.  As life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence.

When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss.  You will never forget them.  However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news.  They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn't fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound.  It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.

2.  The pursuit of happiness is about finding meaning.

Pursuing happiness is not at all the same as being happy, which is a fleeting feeling dependent on momentary circumstances.  If the sun is shining, by all means bask in it.  Happy times are great and often fun-filled, but happy times pass, because time passes.  This is something we rarely grasp at first.

The lifelong pursuit of happiness, on the other hand, is more elusive; it’s not based on a particular outcome.  What you are really pursuing is meaning – living a meaningful life.  It starts with your “why.”  (Why are you doing what you’re doing with your life?)  When your “why” is meaningful, you are pursuing happiness.  There will be times when things go so wrong that you barely feel alive.  And there will also be times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a lifeless existence for eighty years on someone else’s terms.  The pursuit isn't all or nothing; it’s all AND nothing, with ups and downs and worthwhile lessons along the way.

In other words, happiness comes most easily when you know what you’re doing, believe in what you’re doing, and love what you’re doing (and who you’re doing it with), regardless of how things turn out.

3.  Seeking validation from others invalidates YOU.

Has the fear of rejection held you back?  Have you ever been so fearful of what others might think or say about you that it kept you from taking positive action?  I bet you’re shaking your head, “yes.”

It’s time to change your mindset…

Today, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.  Prove yourself to yourself, not others.  You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough.  You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already valuable.

If someone says “no” to you, or if someone says something negative about you, that doesn’t change anything about YOU.  The words and opinions of others have no real bearing on your worth.  Certainly it can be helpful and desirable to make a good impression in certain situations, yet it’s not the end of the world when you are faced with rejection.

It’s great to receive positive feedback, but it simply doesn't always happen.  That’s OK though, because you know where you’re headed and you know your true worth does not depend on the judgment of others.  When you set out to make a true difference in life, there will be those who disagree with you, those who ignore you, and those who flat out reject your ideas and efforts.  Look beyond them, step confidently forward, do what must be done, and let them think what they will.

4.  Regret hurts far worse than fear.

When we give in to our fears, we have a harder time looking at ourselves in the mirror.  Sadly, very few of us escape learning this lesson firsthand.  If you have already experienced this a time or two, you know what you need to do.

It is only when we risk losing that we truly open the possibility to win.  Whether it is quitting your job to build a business, running a marathon, or traveling to unknown parts of the world, any worthy endeavor requires risk, struggle and sacrifice.  Some of these things may even terrify you, but ask yourself if these fears are stronger than the most powerful of fears, the fear of a wasted life?

If you've never lost your mind, you've never followed your heart.  It’s better to look back on life and say, “I can’t believe I did that,” than to look back and say, “I wish I did that.”  Don’t let time pass you by like a hand waving from a train you desperately want to be on.  Don’t spend the rest of your life thinking about why you didn't do what you can do right now.  Live your life.  Take risks.  Feel passion.  Discover love.  Run free.

5.  Life is too unpredictable for rigid expectations.

When you stop predicting and expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are.  Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.

With a positive attitude and an open mind, you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that “the easy” and “the hard” aren't exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.

Ninety-nine percent of the time life delivers the experiences that are most helpful for your personal growth.  How do you know it’s the experience you need?  Because it’s the experience you’re having.  The only question is:  Will you embrace it and grow, or fight it and fade?

The key, of course, is to accept that not everything is meant to be.  When things don’t turn out how you expected, you have to seriously sit down with yourself and come to grips with the fact that you were wrong about it all along.  It was just an illusion that never really was what you thought it was.  It’s one of the most difficult realizations to accept, to realize that you feel a sense of loss, even though you never really had what you thought you had in the first place.

6.  When you try to run away, you end up running in place.

“Don’t think about eating that chocolate donut!”  What are you thinking about now?  Eating that chocolate donut, right?  When you focus on not thinking about something, you end up thinking about it.

The same philosophy holds true when it comes to freeing your mind from a negative past experience.  By persistently trying to move away from what you didn't like and don’t want, you are forced to think about it so much that you end up carrying it’s weight along with you.  But if you instead choose to focus your energy on moving toward something you do like and do want, you naturally leave the negative weight behind as you progress forward.

Bottom line:  Running away from your problems is a race you’ll never win.  Move TOWARDS something instead of AWAY.  Rather than trying to eliminate the negative, focus on creating something positive that just happens to replace the negative.

7.  Unanticipated hardships are inevitable and helpful.

Nobody in this world is going to blindside you and hit you as hard as life will.  Sometimes life will beat you to the ground and try to keep you there if you let it.  But it’s not about how hard life can hit you, it’s about how hard you can be hit while continuing to move forward.  That’s what true strength is, and that’s what winning the game of life is all about.

When you have a lot to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and take a step forward instead, you are growing stronger.  Work through your struggles and hardships.  Even when it feels like things are falling apart, they’re not.  Take control of your emotions before they take control of you.  Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know that it’s all worthwhile in the end.

Afterthoughts

Gandhi once said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever.”  I love this quote.  There’s no doubt that every day is a gift, and the gift is an opportunity to live, to learn, and to grow.

Be a student of life.  Indulge in it and absorb all the knowledge you can, while you can.  You may have to loose some things to gain some things, and you may have to learn some things the hard way.  That’s OK.  All experiences are necessary.  The purpose of your life is to live it in full, to partake in it to the utmost, to reach out with an open mind and an honest heart for the newest and richest experience being offered.

written by Marc and Angel

What does time have to do with grief?

Q: What does time have to do with grief?

A: Everything. 

Like most of us; in your everyday life the clock and the calendar run your days and nights.   Time is a commodity that is precious to you, but once gone you cannot buy more or bring back what's already past. There is no warranty on time.

We live in a society that reminds us that every moment counts, and like most of us you try to multitask, cramming as much as you can into every day. Office/work, home chores, child needs, our own needs and the needs of those in our life circle. (friends, family, co-workers)

As you are grieving your loved one(s), time does stand still.  All you know and believe about time changes. You function daily to some degree but more in a haze or fog that starts and ends with each day. You get some things done but you don't know how you managed.

Time stands still.
You question the world "How dare it function as before.....
Don't they know you have died? Don't they know I am grieving; my life is in shambles?"



Time for grieving has a limit. (Not)
Your employer gives you three days off to grieve, then back to work you go.... or use up some vacation time.

Friends will understand for a month or two that you need to talk about your loved one or even openly cry . During this time your friends will probably seem to be responsive to your needs. They'll bring frozen dinners or telephone just to say hi. But when "time is up" they may start to give hints or say out loud  "Don't you think that it’s time to move on; it's time to get over “it”". "Are you still in that slump?" " Deal with it, it's been 6 months now!"

Some friends or family members may start to be uncomfortable with your need to dwell on your sadness. They do not appreciate that it takes time to readjust our life.  

True support is from those who are willing and able to walk along side you on your personal journey of grief, and who will encourage you to determine when your “time’s up”. This could take months, even years. We never get "Over It" we just learn over time to change the focus of how they died to the good memories, fun times or quiet private moments shared.

Doing Time.
Grief may make you feel locked in your own version of hell. You won’t like who you are. You won’t like that your loved one has gone. You won’t like it that your friends can’t make you feel better. You just want out of here, and you're not sure you want to do the work that grief requires in order to be set free from this grief jail. Some of you will remain in this uncomfortable place for a short time while others may "seem over it" sooner, leaving you to feel you have been given a longer sentence.



Wasting time.
While in real life our pride has us as a master at multitasking, in the land of grief you are much less sure of yourself. You find it hard to make decisions, because of your new situation you don’t trust yourself to make the right choice. You want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes your wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. You are physically exhausted and your body refuses to make an effort to reclaim your former self.

Looking back in time
When you grieve you spend most of your time, at least at first, looking back. It seems more in control that way. That’s where your missing loved ones are. If you were to look forward, that would mean you have to imagine your  life without the loved one you lost. And that’s what you aren't ready to accept--not yet. So you spend a lot of time thinking how you should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if you used your time with them well. In time as you remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times you can see these as moving forward in your grief journey.



Firsts are how you measure the first year or two
It is natural for you to gauge your life after a loss as you anticipate and then go through the FIRST TIMES....

First day, first week, first month, first time you go out, the first time you are back to school, or church, or work. First Summer vacation, first Christmas, first Winter vacation, first time you laughed. These first times are like benchmarks, notches in your belt that prove you are surviving when you weren't sure you wanted to, or didn't know you could. Another first time is the anniversary of your loved ones death or His/her birthday or your child's birthday with out mom / dad. Later in life first times might include Graduation or school events, marriages of your children or birth of a grandchild. While these may occur years later, the loss, sad feelings, regrets can all return as if the death was yesterday..... This only means you are normal.

Mealtime
There’s an empty chair at the table. There’s the conversation that seems to be just noise, having little to do with the absent one about whom you are all thinking but not daring to speak. You still prepare more food than you now need because we haven’t yet figured out how to cook for one less person.
Sometimes the food seems to have no taste, and is not able to do what you want it to do; to fill that huge hole (empty feeling) within you.

Time out
Sometimes what you need to do is to take a time out from your regular activities. Have a "Me Day" to reflect on what has happened to your personal world. It’s in the quiet time, when you shut off your every day thinking and empty out the daily chatter in your head. Others will have to be okay with your need to bow out for a while. Remember that during grief your job is to take care of yourself, not to take care of your friends. When it’s time to re-enter a normal routine, it’s your choice what you will reinstate and what you decide to lay aside. Loss tends to redefine your priorities. What used to be important may not be important now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Time heals what reason cannot.
Time will change things. The intensity you experience when grief is new, where you can see nothing but your loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer. Time forces the big picture of life back into your vision whether you like it or not.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life in your world will once again seem possible. This will not happen because you come to understand the death more clearly. It will happen with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with and each "first" experience will bring you closer to understanding your strength and ability to build a new you in a new world.

Time will keep some of your grief forever.
The scars of your grief will remain and you may find yourself ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite so important as it once was.

What words of wisdom would you offer...........

"Brain Tumour"

What words of wisdom would you offer to a newly diagnosed person or their family?

I was diagnosed in March. There are two things I would say! First, No matter what anyone tells you they don't know the "you factor"! Your determination and your drive to beat this cancer! Second, you have to be an active participant in your own life!
Debbie

My husband (was diagnosed in July 2009) and we kept telling each other to stay strong, stay positive and lean on each other and we will make it through. We did. As his caregiver I had to be good to myself as well. Eat right, sleep enough, find a friend to talk with about my worry, pain, sadness and anger.
Mary

My husband was diagnosed in February 2014. It's still pretty new but I would say to stay off the generic pages of the Internet; stay positive and ask for help when you need it!!
Diane

This is your opportunity to honestly show yourself and everyone around you how strong you are! I was diagnosed with a serious brain tumor October 5 and had surgery October 7. I have 4 kids and all of my thoughts were I needed to stay strong and survive this for them! I am have been referred by my doctors as "one in a million" so I am proud to say miracles really do happen!! I am thankful for each and every day I have! Cherish the time you have with the ones who matter most! Hugs to everyone.
Susan

Every person is different in how they handle this monster. Most times I just don't know what to say but it would start with, "just be honest" in your thoughts with yourself and others. Don't sugarcoat or say false things. It really does suck big time and my heart goes out to each and every person.
Sharon

I know how hard it is in the initial stage when you find out and all is a blur... best I can suggest is to find a person to be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent to. The main things I would say is that there are people who will be there for you, and maybe some who you thought would be, but are not....”
Fred

Take lots of pictures even when you don't feel like it. You and your family are your best advocate. There are resources / use them. Most of all find a brain tumour support group and you will find hope and friends to last a lifetime. Of course Play to Win!
Silvia

My daughter just completed her chemo treatments in May 2014. I would like other newly diagnosed families to know that it’s okay to be sad and mad sometimes. You don't need to pretend everything is okay. But take all the help you are offered; and take it each day one at a time. Focus on the positives, the love from family and friends. For me, leaning on my faith, when things seemed darkest was a God send.
Sophia, 

Do not be afraid to ask for help. The people that love and support you will be glad to help in any way they can. Be patient. Time will heel things eventually. Your hair will grow back. Your scars will heel. Your scars will eventually not be so sensitive and tender. You will become stronger, you will heal!
Parent of a child with a pediatric brain tumour

For additional resources call your local Cancer Centre and/or ask your Doctors advice.

Bill R 

Note:

Words of Wisdom are direct quotes from patients, survivors and family members and are offered as insight into others' experiences with a brain tumour only. They are not meant as advice, always consult your health care team with any questions. Names of contributors have been changed.

KEEPING IT REAL is my new slogan....

KEEPING IT REAL is my new slogan....

Life is good
Death Sucks

But let's keep it real....



So many people are effected by sickness and disease these days.... So many struggles and so many lose their battle..... We hear about them everywhere. TV News, Newspapers, Facebook and from family and friends who knew them.

The thousands of success stories do not make the media. This leads one who is sick to believe this is the end of their life.... 
I am here to tell you it does not!

                                              First decision is: 

                                                I will fight this
                                        or I'll give in and let go.

Second reality

You don't have to do this alone.

You will be surrounded by people who care

and as they create your circle of support, your

strength will improve and you will move

forward in your recovery!

Third realization 

is SUCCESS comes in

different shapes and sizes.

You will always hold the last piece of your puzzle.

ATTITUDE, BELIEF, CONVICTION

 As the bridge to renewed health nears completion,You will find yourself closer to  recovery. Possibly not as healthy as you once were... but healthier than before, You will retain one key message to yourself  because of this journey....

 "I CAN DO IT!" will become you new belief!

Today there are so many WINNERS, 

there is no reason why YOU can not be one of them!

Bill R

R - U - Up to the challenge?

Tickets to terminally ill player's first college game sell out in minutes

By Jeff Eisenberg |  

• 
  
  

Since its cramped gym can only hold about 2,000 spectators, Division III Mount St. Joseph University readily accepted an offer to move its  Nov. 2 women's basketball season opener 13 miles east to the 10,250-seat Cintas Center at Xavier University.

Amazingly, even that wasn't enough to satisfy the overwhelming public demand to witness terminally ill freshman Lauren Hill achieve her dream of playing one final basketball game.

The roughly 5,000 upper-level tickets that went on sale for $5 apiece Wednesday morning sold out within 30 minutes, Lions athletic director Steve Radcliffe said Thursday. Mount St. Joseph is reserving the remaining seats to its game against Hiram College for students, guests of the athletic department and Hill's friends and family.

To accommodate interest from those who couldn't buy tickets or who live outside of Cincinnati, Radcliffe said Mount St. Joseph intends to stream the game on its website and is exploring the possibility of having it broadcast locally or nationally. Xavier University spokesman Tom Eiser said a decision on whether to televise the game could come as soon as Friday.

"The support has been incredible and inspiring," Radcliffe said. "We had planned to play this game on campus, but this thing has just gone so crazy and generated so much interest that now we're able to give another 8,000 people the chance to see the game in person. It's going to help raise money and awareness, and I think that's really positive."

The story of Hill's courage has inspired massive interest nationwide since WKRC-TV in Cincinnati, Yahoo Sports and other outlets first shared it last week.

Doctors don't expect Hill to live past December as a result of an inoperable tumor they discovered growing at the base of her brain stem last year. Fearful that Hill wouldn't be strong enough to fulfill her goal of playing college basketball for the first time, the 19-year-old Indiana native's parents asked the school to petition to have its Nov. 15 season opener moved up — a request the NCAA granted earlier this month.

Lauren Hill shows off a new Cincinnati Reds jersey (via @Reds)Moving up the game was critical because Hill's symptoms have worsened the past few weeks. She told Yahoo Sports last week that her hand-eye coordination has deteriorated, she endures frequent headaches, dizziness and nausea and the right side of her body is so weak that her leg often gives out on her when she walks. She has attended practice with Mount St. Joseph's several days this week, but she typically can't last more than a few minutes on the floor without needing a rest.

"She was given the day off yesterday from practice and classes, but she was back today," Radcliffe said. "I know this is a challenge for her from the standpoint that her body isn't doing what she wants it to do, but she's there almost every day. She's putting it all in and embracing the fact she'll get to go on the floor, hear the crowd and get to play in a game."

Hill's story has captured so much attention that cards, letters and packages from across the nation have arrived at Mount St. Joseph addressed to her every day for the past week. On Tuesday, Hill received a visit at practice from Cincinnati Bengals defensive lineman Devon Still, whose four-year-old daughter is battling cancer. On Thursday, a jersey and a letter arrived from the Cincinnati Reds wishing Hill luck in her Nov. 2 game. 

What's most gratifying for Hill is the money and awareness she has raised to support the fight against pediatric cancer. Hill has Diffused Intrinsic Pontine Glioma (DIPG), a rare, inoperable pediatric brain tumor that primarily affects children ages 5-10 and kills 90 percent of victims within 18 months.

"Wow" is the only word repeating in my head right now, that's all I can think. Wow. This is unbelievable! Never did I ever think this would happen! I've never been so happy- my wish to spread awareness and play in a college game on the court wearing that jersey #22 is coming. I'm just still in shock right now at how many lives I've touched."

The support has been inspiring for everyone who knows Hill as well. Radcliffe views it as the silver lining to a sad but inspiring story.

"From my perspective as athletic director, I find it incredibly fulfilling that we have the chance to help Lauren tell her story and grant her wish to play in a college basketball game," he said. "It's a story we're pleased to be part of even though it has some bitter-sweetness to it because we know there will be an outcome that's sad. But the game on Nov. 2 hopefully will be a bright shining moment for her and her family before all that." 

-30-

Bill R: So to my readers..... I challenge you. 

Know anyone with a challenge as big as this? 

Do you know their wish? Can you help?

Raise some funds? Make some calls, call in some favors; 

or is it just time to pay-it-forward?

If you don't know who, then visit your local hospital (Cancer ward). The nurses may just be able to introduce you to someone who will come to love you as their hero. 

Let me know if you do and how it is going...... 

We all have the power to "Leave Our Mark"

5,000 people sing "Clouds" to remember a young man https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLhUS_QjcZY


5,000 people gather at Mall of America to sing "Clouds" in honor Zach Sobiech - the 17-year-old who, before passing away in May 2013 from osteosarcoma, wrote the Billboard Hot 100-charting single. 

 Zach Sobiech, a teen with cancer, called "Clouds." Zach and the song became a worldwide sensation, touching the hearts of millions. 

One year later 5,000 fans gathered at Mall Of America Largest Clouds

Choir to remember Zach, who passed away in May of 2013.

Give it some thought. 

If you knew your future was limited in time..... 

what could you do to leave this world a little better place?

Suggestions Welcomed:

It’s Complicated

Posted on October 23, 2014 by Stephanie 

This is a post at Widow’s Voice where Stephanie is a regular weekly contributor. 

Recently I’ve had people say to me, when they learn I’ve been widowed, well, you know he’ll always be with you. I know they say that with all the best intentions…and in a way, I agree, because yes, he will always be in my heart. But it’s not as easy as that. Regardless of what my personal spiritual beliefs are, saying something like that can sound awfully close to someone wanting to gloss over the tragedy of the death of my husband and what it means for me in my own life. Easier to say that and hope the conversation will move away from the uncomfortable subject, right? Or am I being difficult here? What do they expect – that I’ll say, oh, he will? Well that’s great, I feel so much better now! Thanks for letting me know!

I do have my own beliefs about what happens to us when we die. And I have my own suspicions about how Mike occasionally makes his presence known…the wind. The birds.

Most recently, a grasshopper. I’m sure it’s not the same grasshopper, because it’s been happening for months, but at certain moments that will only ever be truly meaningful to me, there it is…on a doorknob, on a light switch, on my computer screen…so much so that I have taken to sighing, rolling my eyes in a playful way and saying hey, Mike. Thanks for being here. Miss you. Love you. Or something like that.

But you still can’t tell me he’s really here. Even if he really were that grasshopper for that moment, or using it to somehow tell me he’s around…it’s still not really him. He’s not sitting here in his full, living body, talking to me, touching me, arguing with me, walking next to me, holding my hand…he’s not here, and he never will be, ever again. I can never talk to him again. I can never ask him questions, hear him sing, or wonder what time he’s coming home.

So, while I want to believe in the grasshopper…I don’t want people to say in some wishy-washy way he’ll always be with me. Can I have it both ways? Is it fair to want to tell people to go to hell when they try to reassure me (I don’t, but I want to), and then try and explain about an insect in the next breath?

I really do feel like a walking enigma. My thoughts and feelings are so all over the chart I even puzzle myself some days. All I can tell you is that grief can be difficult to define or delineate, especially to anyone on the outside.

First of all, no one goes through exactly the same experience. We all have our own stories of grief. We might have lost them through sickness, accidents, suicide, war…it might have been a terrible, long process, or a sudden unexpected moment.

We might have been in beautiful, loving relationships. We might have been having problems. Maybe it was both. We might be strong, resilient personalities. We might be struggling with our own identities. Maybe too, it is both.

Those of us in the middle of it all know by now that the process of our bereavement, the timetable of our grief, doesn’t follow any plan, or clock. It may chug along at a fair pace, as life begins to fill in those empty spaces. Other times, or for other people, an eternity passes between each tick, and “life” feels very, very far away. I often have both sensations going on at the same time.

I guess it’s just complicated. As my genius friend Sarah says: the cup is not half empty or half full. It’s both. I’m a strong person and nowadays in public I’m fairly even-keeled and doing pretty well. But I have my moments – moments usually no one but those closest to me know about. Sometimes, it surprises people that I’m still talking about it, writing about it, missing him, grieving him.

I try and explain how that can be…how I can seem relatively fully-functioning on one hand, and yet come out with all this grief on the other. But I can’t really explain it. Nor can I speak for anyone else and their grief; it’s just how it’s happening for me.

Even though I can claim to have experience and understanding of a deep and abiding grief in a way I never imagined I would have this early in life, I also feel like I have no business telling anyone else what to expect or how to deal with it. Nor, may I say, do I appreciate anyone else other than my grief therapist telling me what to expect, how to experience it, what to think, how to behave, or what I should or shouldn’t be doing with it, or about it.

I don’t have an ending to these thoughts…I don’t feel like these thoughts will ever end, or that there will ever be a tidy summation to grief. So for today, that’s all there is.

What I learned about life and death from a falling leaf....

I asked the leaf whether it was frightened because 

it was autumn and the other leaves were falling.... 

The leaf replied, 


“No. During the whole Spring and 

Summer I was completely alive. 

I worked hard to help nourish the tree, 

and now much of me is in the tree. 

I am not limited by this form. I am also

the whole tree, and when I go back to the soil, I 

will continue to nourish the tree. So I don’t worry 

at all. As I leave this branch and float to the ground, 

I will wave to the tree and tell her,


‘I will see you again very soon.’


That day there was a wind blowing and after a while,

I saw the leaf leave the branch and float down to the 

soil, dancing joyfully, because as it floated it saw itself 

already there back in the tree. It was so happy. 

I bowed my head, knowing that I have a lot to learn 

from the leaf.

Thich Nhat Hanh 





Like the leaf, many believe we are created (born), live to feed the world we live in and then die. Only to be born again and repeat our journey of nourishing our world.

BR