As a child we have all been there. The death of our pet hamster, goldfish or family cat / dog. But what happens to a child when a parent, grandparent, sibling or school friend dies?
How do children cope with grief? How can we support them?
1. Living with the pain of loss
Unlike the pets we have lost as children, the first time a person dies who is close and whom they loved can create in them a sense of profound abandonment. Nightmares, bed wetting, uncontrollable sadness, behaviour changes or fear of their own death are all possible reactions to a death. Children live mostly in the present and do not understand that given time, their feelings of today will subside. In addition, they may feel responsible in some way for the death of their loved one and carry that guilt for years or withdraw into themselves fearing "doing it again"..
They Need Reassurance
Don't underestimate the impact a loss has on a child even if they do not respond as expected. Reassure the child that their basic needs will be met and that over time their pain will decrease. Keep routines and standards of behaviour as much as possible, as this will enforce that while their loved one died, they will go on as before.
2. Children are unique in expressing their grief
They Need the opportunity to express their grief in their own way
Don't analyse the child's work; rather allow them to tell you about it. Encourage discussion with open ended questions. "What a wonderful drawing, can you tell me about it?" "If you could change one thing in your painting, what would it be?"
3. Grief knows no timeline
Psychological healing time is different to chronological healing time. Children will often break their feelings up into manageable amounts, as it's difficult for them to tolerate ongoing, intense pain. Therefore, it is not unusual to see a variety of emotions unfold in a short span of time as they slowly work through their grief. From sad to happy or lonely to playing with others.
Always be Honest
Children will ask questions over and over again to make sense of what has happened. Let the child know that you want to understand what they are feeling and any question is a good one. Stay honest in your reply using age appropriate wording.
Be patient and don't be afraid to ask them what they are thinking or feeling. When they feel heard and accepted, they will go deeper into sharing their deepest thoughts / fears / feelings.
4. The age of the child will filter their understanding of death
Children are often unable to understand the permanence of death or separation and can anticipate the return of their loved one who has gone. Only as they grow older, will they learn to grasp the finality and permanency of death.
Provide answers to their questions that are age appropriate
Help the child understand that the person who has died is not coming back, but also reassure them that their loved one is not in any pain. Children hear words and create pictures literally, i.e. (The Iron Curtain) could be seen as a curtain of steel around a country. Avoid metaphors such as "gone to sleep" or they may fear sleeping. "Lost" as this may cause them to believe their loved one can be found. "At peace now" may have the child think they weren't at peace because of the child's behaviour.
It is important that those around them (you) are able to express their grief in a healthy, open manner. Children learn from example and how you grieve gives them permission to be open and honest about their feelings of loss, love and missing their loved one.
Provide by example the model for healthy grieving
Sadness is as natural an expression as happiness. Children will understand that it's okay for them to do the same as you. You cannot "fix" children's pain, any more than avoidance or distraction can fix yours. If possible, encourage children to be with other children who may have had a similar experience. Peer support is a major means in helping Children cope with loss.
If in doubt seek out local resources that specialize in Child Bereavement.
Please post your story here so others who are grieving with children might gain strength from your experience......
Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a
- Grief Counselor
- Distress Telephone Centre Trainer
- Hospice Volunteer
- Group Facilitator, Bereavement
- Youth & Family Counseling
There are resources in many communities, call your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you.
