Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?

Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?

Feel what you are feeling:  

Holding everything inside will just make you explode later. If others are uncomfortable with you being you that is their problem, not yours! The release of emotions will become your fuel to do something constructive while on your grief journey.

 

Talking about it:

Find a friend or professional support to share your thoughts, feelings, tears and fears with.  Even if you find just one person, he/she/they will help you move through your grief journey to a better place. We all need that support. Unconditional listeners lets us hear ourselves as we talk out loud and sometimes, hearing ourselves gives us the answer we are looking for.

Taking a time out: 

No one can argue that you need a break. Sometimes, (like the death of a loved one) life just needs to slow down or stop. If you have an employer, you will need to take time off work. Not the usual 3 – 5 days for bereavement leave, but maybe even longer. See a doctor for advice on how much time is right for you…. (Do you qualify for long-term leave or can you use up some holiday time?)  Right now it is all about you.

Death creates paperwork:  

We all have a hierarchy of basic needs; (shelter, clothing, food etc.) With the death of a loved one, income levels may change. Wills, legal fees, funeral services, loss of income will impact us at a most terrifying time.  Financial and “must do” demands will add to the stress of the moment, and like a game of ping-pong will fly our emotions into a series of ups and downs. Sometimes with the ball falling right-off-the-table causing us to think / feel we have lost it altogether.   

Emotional Hierarchy of Basic Needs:

Like financial needs us humans require a steady dose of physical touch, hugs, love and a sense of acceptance for who we are. While the frozen dinners and multitude of visitors and phone-calls will last for 3 – 6 months; all this slows down thereafter. Surround yourself with people who are keepers. Friends, or family who will be there for a dinner invitation. (take it, or do the inviting); go for coffee with friends. (Set a schedule like every Wednesday Morning. This gives you something to look forward to). Visit others who cannot get out. Start and end the gathering with a hug. They’re free and are worth a million dollars.

Be on Guard for Grief’s’ Nasty Habits: 

Be cautious about starting or increasing smoking , drinking, over medicating, over eating or other addictive behaviors. IF happening to you, it needs to stop now. These behaviours may provide short term relief but will also bring on long term grief. See your Doctor or seek profession advice.

Nights and Weekends can be the Roughest:

As we jump or pull ourselves out of bed each morning there is an emptiness that cannot be put into words. The mornings and afternoons we function in a fog but we do function. Then the evening hours or weekends arrive and this emptiness deepens to a depth we never knew we could reach. Loud music or having the T.V. on doesn’t seem to help…. We know sleep will not come easily, so we stay up later than we used too in hopes of falling to sleep faster once we get to bed.

Be patient with yourself:

Being forced to start a new life doesn't happen overnight. It could take months or years. You'll be making constant small steps that you won't even notice. Imagine losing a pound a month. You're not going to be able to tell in the first year that you are down 12 pounds…. BUT in the next 12 months  your clothes will be too big, your friends will be commenting, the mirror would be your friend. By the time you do see a difference, you'll probably be awesome, happy, and content with your adjusted life style and future prospects. (I know that sounds like going to the moon and back right now) Until the moment comes when you wake up one morning and say “I feel different” “Don’t know why, but, just different”.  Take your time and trust It will come. It always does. Remember H.O.P.E. “Hold On Pain Ends”

Grief is Not Invited:

Grief is a unwelcome visitor who comes and goes at will.

A song; smell; story; an old joke, even the time of day or as you are walking through the mall…. Grief will pop-up and the tears or that weak sinking feeling will hit without warning. This is normal and you are not going crazy! In time these happenings will diminish in frequency and intensity. In time you will take control remembering the good times and not be focused on the death. In time you will create a new normal for yourself; not forgetting your loved one (that can never happen nor do you want it to) but smiling as you recall the good times. In time you will look to your future knowing the strength and courage to move forward has come to you from the loved one who now only lives in your heart. In time…..