My Grief..... My Table

Grief Changes Relationships

Loss, Grief & Rebuilding the box that holds your life

Coping with the loss of a close friend or family member, adjusting to a new and different life, is one of the hardest challenges any of us will have to conquer. When we lose a spouse, sibling, child or parent our life as we knew it is placed in a box and shaken vigorously. Nothing makes sense anymore and we go through days half awake and half in a fog. It now becomes our task to put the box (our life) back together.... but how? 

Death is accepted as a natural part of life, (until it is one of our love ones who died). Then we do not accept it; understand it or know how to "get over it". We experience shock and confusion, sadness or even depression. 

Grieving is an important process that will at times be unbearably painful..... but it is grief that also helps us heal and reorder our life.... We start to rearrange our box, we begin to do more than exist, we start to live again. It may take months or years to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve. Grief knows no timeline, it comes when it wants and stays as long as it chooses to.

In time we will all experience loss, grieve  and then continue on with our own lives. People are more resilient than they realize and can often cope with support from family and friends. Grief is sometimes the catalyst for a renewed sense of self and can offer purpose and direction to life. But some people struggle with grief for longer periods of time and feel lost at carrying out their daily activities. Some will experience complicated grief and could benefit from the help of a person who specializes in grief counselling. 

Rebuilding the box that holds your life    

Talk about your loved one. At first you may not be able to say his/her name without chocking or tears, but in time you can recall funny moments, old jokes, special events and  tender memories.

Accept your feelings.  YOU ARE NORMAL! It is painful to have someone you love die.  You are not going crazy; you are not losing it; this is grief healing you.

Take care of yourself and your family.  Make time for outings, board games or meals together (with no electronics); one-on-one walks, or gym time. Being together is one of the best ways to keep moving forward. 

Reach out and help others dealing with the loss. Remember and celebrate the life of your loved one.Your loved one lived. Celebrate and honour their life by remembering anniversaries; special times of the year, holidays; helping out their favourite charity; telling their story or just looking at pictures from time to time. Remembering them is the price of loving them; It is also the reward.

Others can help (let them)
Grieving individuals look for answers to help come to terms with death. Here are some thoughts on moving forward.

Remember others are grieving too. You can find normalcy in your grief by sharing with others and they sharing with you. Children grieve too, so do not forget to help them better understand what has and is happening.Professionals are trained to help people better handle the fear, guilt or anxiety that can be associated with the death of a loved one. If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a counselor or other professional who specializes in Grief / Bereavement.
 

Inner and Outer Clock in Grief / Mourning

......So it’s 8 months since I lost my husband, it will be exactly one year in November that he died (an anniversary of sorts) and my life has changed forever.
I asked Bill “How much time is needed for me to “get on with my life” like friends and family were telling me to.” Eight months seemed like enough time to them and I was thinking (like so many times before) that something was wrong with me.”
Bill shared the following about two kinds of time….

“Your Outer and Inner Clock”


Outer time is dictated by a clock or a calendar. No one can control it and it is the time most people live and judge you by when you are grieving…. It just happens…. minutes become hours; hours become days; days become months and months turn into years.

He explained Inner time is my own internal clock and follows no rules. As we talked, I was able to better understand my grief and mourning…… It made sense to me.



"Each day my inner time moves in tiny, slow moving, and often painful steps. Each morning as I wake and reach to touch my loved one where he slept, my inner clock gives me a quick (punch) reminder about the day I am to face. It is like I’ve been sentenced to spend the rest of my life in this realm of numbness. Half awake and half in a dream like state where nothing is familiar any more; nothing seems real.  No energy to clean house; venture out or initiate conversations.My inner clock also decides what emotions I will have; when I will have them; how long they will last and how my mind & body will react.In a crowd or alone; walking or driving; listening to music or reading a book; all these things can trigger my inner clock into alarm and set off a series of emotional outbursts or a sense of deep loneliness / feeling of despair. These feelings pass but I just never know when they will return…… but return they do. 
The frequency and the depth of pain has diminished with the passing of Outer time. I’ve learned to navigate these moments but they will always be just around the corner.


My inner clock also holds the wonderful memories of my life with my loved one. These moments will sustain me for the rest of my life. Where once I could not say his name without uncontrollable tears; now I go through photo albums, tell stories, even share his jokes with others. My inner clock by virtue of making me feel pain, can help me heal, so I now have the strength and courage to face this new reality and find direction in creating my new life."

Your journey is yours. There are no rules, no set time limits, no right / wrong ways to grieve. Your Inner Clock is setting the pace, so be true to you and do what is right for your soul to heal.





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Children Grieve: They need you to understand!

Children experiencing grief can become lost in their feelings and emotions. Often thinking there is something wrong with them........ 

This link may help them better understand they are normal and it is OK to love someone and grieve them when they die.

Children in grief need your support: Talk with them about the death of a loved one.

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Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?

Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?

Feel what you are feeling:  

Holding everything inside will just make you explode later. If others are uncomfortable with you being you that is their problem, not yours! The release of emotions will become your fuel to do something constructive while on your grief journey.

 

Talking about it:

Find a friend or professional support to share your thoughts, feelings, tears and fears with.  Even if you find just one person, he/she/they will help you move through your grief journey to a better place. We all need that support. Unconditional listeners lets us hear ourselves as we talk out loud and sometimes, hearing ourselves gives us the answer we are looking for.

Taking a time out: 

No one can argue that you need a break. Sometimes, (like the death of a loved one) life just needs to slow down or stop. If you have an employer, you will need to take time off work. Not the usual 3 – 5 days for bereavement leave, but maybe even longer. See a doctor for advice on how much time is right for you…. (Do you qualify for long-term leave or can you use up some holiday time?)  Right now it is all about you.

Death creates paperwork:  

We all have a hierarchy of basic needs; (shelter, clothing, food etc.) With the death of a loved one, income levels may change. Wills, legal fees, funeral services, loss of income will impact us at a most terrifying time.  Financial and “must do” demands will add to the stress of the moment, and like a game of ping-pong will fly our emotions into a series of ups and downs. Sometimes with the ball falling right-off-the-table causing us to think / feel we have lost it altogether.   

Emotional Hierarchy of Basic Needs:

Like financial needs us humans require a steady dose of physical touch, hugs, love and a sense of acceptance for who we are. While the frozen dinners and multitude of visitors and phone-calls will last for 3 – 6 months; all this slows down thereafter. Surround yourself with people who are keepers. Friends, or family who will be there for a dinner invitation. (take it, or do the inviting); go for coffee with friends. (Set a schedule like every Wednesday Morning. This gives you something to look forward to). Visit others who cannot get out. Start and end the gathering with a hug. They’re free and are worth a million dollars.

Be on Guard for Grief’s’ Nasty Habits: 

Be cautious about starting or increasing smoking , drinking, over medicating, over eating or other addictive behaviors. IF happening to you, it needs to stop now. These behaviours may provide short term relief but will also bring on long term grief. See your Doctor or seek profession advice.

Nights and Weekends can be the Roughest:

As we jump or pull ourselves out of bed each morning there is an emptiness that cannot be put into words. The mornings and afternoons we function in a fog but we do function. Then the evening hours or weekends arrive and this emptiness deepens to a depth we never knew we could reach. Loud music or having the T.V. on doesn’t seem to help…. We know sleep will not come easily, so we stay up later than we used too in hopes of falling to sleep faster once we get to bed.

Be patient with yourself:

Being forced to start a new life doesn't happen overnight. It could take months or years. You'll be making constant small steps that you won't even notice. Imagine losing a pound a month. You're not going to be able to tell in the first year that you are down 12 pounds…. BUT in the next 12 months  your clothes will be too big, your friends will be commenting, the mirror would be your friend. By the time you do see a difference, you'll probably be awesome, happy, and content with your adjusted life style and future prospects. (I know that sounds like going to the moon and back right now) Until the moment comes when you wake up one morning and say “I feel different” “Don’t know why, but, just different”.  Take your time and trust It will come. It always does. Remember H.O.P.E. “Hold On Pain Ends”

Grief is Not Invited:

Grief is a unwelcome visitor who comes and goes at will.

A song; smell; story; an old joke, even the time of day or as you are walking through the mall…. Grief will pop-up and the tears or that weak sinking feeling will hit without warning. This is normal and you are not going crazy! In time these happenings will diminish in frequency and intensity. In time you will take control remembering the good times and not be focused on the death. In time you will create a new normal for yourself; not forgetting your loved one (that can never happen nor do you want it to) but smiling as you recall the good times. In time you will look to your future knowing the strength and courage to move forward has come to you from the loved one who now only lives in your heart. In time….. 

Grief.... I am at the start of a New Year (2015)

Grief.... we have ended a year (2014)….

 and started a New Year (2015)....

Survival

Some of us, who grieve the loss of a loved one, have just ended what could be the two most difficult weeks of any year. Christmas and New Years create feelings and emotions that surge to our inner most soul 

and create a pain that few can understand.

We smiled and said we’re fine or O.K.; But we are not fine or O.K..

The norm is to celebrate with friends, food, noise-makers and resolutions. As a griever, you have successfully made it through these two weeks, while at times you just didn't want to go on.  

Congratulations on your strength and survival.

Fitting In

As all around you, others seemed so happy, you may have thought

“what do I have to be happy about? How can I possibly look forward to a new year without the physical presence of my loved one”

Grieving hurts… and if your loss is recent (or even 10 years ago) it can be debilitating, devastating or even dangerous.

     

Your loved one has died, your heart is broken, and your grief is overwhelming; you struggle daily with the draining emotion of sadness, you don’t feel ready or hopeful about facing a new year.  

Am I Normal

You are human, and all these feelings and emotions are what make you that way. Because you are human, time will help you adapt and daily living can once again include joy in these events….. as well as birthdays, anniversaries or similar special, memorable happenings.

A Legacy of Gifts

Your love and relationship with your loved one influenced you physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. These are your loved one’s permanent gifts to you. They can never be taken away or forgotten. 

But you can share these gifts with others….. especially in the New Year.

My New Year Resolution

Write a list of gifts your loved one has given you.  

Maybe a love for music, or reading, or art, or travel, or faith, or being physically active …. (you get the idea). Match these gifts to your community needs where you live. In memory of your loved one, volunteer your time to carry on and honor their legacy…. 

Create a New Years Resolution to share these gifts with others.

Be it with children, adults or seniors; find a place to put your loved ones gifts given to you into action. Carry them forward by sharing them with others.

How do I create a Positive Resolution?

Helping out at a children’s centre with crafts or sports; reading books to young listeners at the library; joining a walking group or faith related study group. You need to put the pieces of the puzzle together and end up with a picture of how you will change your world (and the world for others) over the next 12 months. Come  Christmas or New Years 2015/16. you will be better equipped to enjoy it… not forgetting your loved one, but knowing the essence of "their being" still lives on through your actions and in honor of them.

End Result

You will feel stronger as you face your Christmas & New Year (2016) You may even smile, remembering the love, joy and gifts your loved one 

gave to you still live on.

For Readers in Region of Waterloo Canada

Bill R is available for 

Private Sessions 

and/or referrals to Not-for-profit Organizations 

providing no fee services to all denominations.

privatesessions@rogers.com

It didn't happen on your watch Doc.... It just happened....

A recent article I read spoke of the 2nd year of grieving.....
I have been in a dark hole the last few weeks, I was not just a grieving single mother. Tears, bad thoughts, withdrawal, extreme anger and sadness, loneliness....these emotions have surrounded me. It's all too easy to get lost in this, struggling round and round at the bottom of the whirlpool, with an overwhelming feeling that if I was religious or more spiritual, and believed totally that I would see him again, then it wouldn't be so bad......but I'm not.

Somewhere, deep within me, I knew I could crawl out of the sludge at the bottom of the hole eventually. I remembered the glimpses of hope I had in the first year of grief. I remembered my mantra of "joy and purpose". I remembered the self made promise that I would not allow myself to be worse in the second year of grief, like all the books say, yet here I was, drowning in the reality that my boy was gone. I felt like I had a small collection of friends that I let my guard down with, and I begged them not to think I was depressed just because I always cried with them. The rest of the time I wore my masks and became more reclusive.

Then I met someone new to grief. His wife has breast cancer and he had tears in his eyes telling me their story. I shared my story and tears in return. It was an odd moment, one shared by two strangers in the parallel universe of suffering. I thought no more of it until I received a card from him with the following amazing words:



"A good Doctor deals with the known-known's. A great Doctor deals with the known-unknown's, but no Doctor can deal with the unknown-unknown's. It didn't happen on your watch Doc, it just happened while you were on watch...."


                         



Yep, it just happened. There is no sense to be made of it. It wasn't my fault. I have to stop blaming myself, hating myself. I have to move on, if only at a crawling pace. The depth of grief represents the love we have for the one we've lost, and a parent's love is immeasurable. I'm struggling. I'm exhausted. I accept that. Like a pregnant woman who only sees the other pregnant women in the crowd, I am only seeing the death, loss and sadness around me, and there is plenty of that. I give everything I have to work and to my daughter and to grief. There is nothing left for anyone else, and there is nothing coming back for me. There has to be some way to make this pain better.

Note to Readers:
"There has to be some way to make this pain better." The pain will diminish; the thoughts will change from being focused "on the death" or "how he/she died" to "how he/she lived". Time will make this happen..... at the appropriate time.... you can not rush it; but it will happen.

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow....(Gandhi)

 “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  
Learn as if you were to live forever.” 

In the midst of my sorrow I now realize this tragic loss taught me three important things.  

First, the worst things can happen to the best people for no obvious reason at all.  

Second, most people, even the ones you don’t think care, are genuinely good people who do care.

  

Third, just as it is difficult to see all the opportunities life gives you until you’re looking back, it is virtually impossible to fully understand certain life circumstances until they actually happen to you.

It’s a variation of this final point that I want to explore – 
Seven important life lessons almost everyone learns the hard way, (eventually).

1.  The people you lose remain a part of you.

Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss.  As life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence.

When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss.  You will never forget them.  However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news.  They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn't fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound.  It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.

2.  The pursuit of happiness is about finding meaning.

Pursuing happiness is not at all the same as being happy, which is a fleeting feeling dependent on momentary circumstances.  If the sun is shining, by all means bask in it.  Happy times are great and often fun-filled, but happy times pass, because time passes.  This is something we rarely grasp at first.

The lifelong pursuit of happiness, on the other hand, is more elusive; it’s not based on a particular outcome.  What you are really pursuing is meaning – living a meaningful life.  It starts with your “why.”  (Why are you doing what you’re doing with your life?)  When your “why” is meaningful, you are pursuing happiness.  There will be times when things go so wrong that you barely feel alive.  And there will also be times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a lifeless existence for eighty years on someone else’s terms.  The pursuit isn't all or nothing; it’s all AND nothing, with ups and downs and worthwhile lessons along the way.

In other words, happiness comes most easily when you know what you’re doing, believe in what you’re doing, and love what you’re doing (and who you’re doing it with), regardless of how things turn out.

3.  Seeking validation from others invalidates YOU.

Has the fear of rejection held you back?  Have you ever been so fearful of what others might think or say about you that it kept you from taking positive action?  I bet you’re shaking your head, “yes.”

It’s time to change your mindset…

Today, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.  Prove yourself to yourself, not others.  You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough.  You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already valuable.

If someone says “no” to you, or if someone says something negative about you, that doesn’t change anything about YOU.  The words and opinions of others have no real bearing on your worth.  Certainly it can be helpful and desirable to make a good impression in certain situations, yet it’s not the end of the world when you are faced with rejection.

It’s great to receive positive feedback, but it simply doesn't always happen.  That’s OK though, because you know where you’re headed and you know your true worth does not depend on the judgment of others.  When you set out to make a true difference in life, there will be those who disagree with you, those who ignore you, and those who flat out reject your ideas and efforts.  Look beyond them, step confidently forward, do what must be done, and let them think what they will.

4.  Regret hurts far worse than fear.

When we give in to our fears, we have a harder time looking at ourselves in the mirror.  Sadly, very few of us escape learning this lesson firsthand.  If you have already experienced this a time or two, you know what you need to do.

It is only when we risk losing that we truly open the possibility to win.  Whether it is quitting your job to build a business, running a marathon, or traveling to unknown parts of the world, any worthy endeavor requires risk, struggle and sacrifice.  Some of these things may even terrify you, but ask yourself if these fears are stronger than the most powerful of fears, the fear of a wasted life?

If you've never lost your mind, you've never followed your heart.  It’s better to look back on life and say, “I can’t believe I did that,” than to look back and say, “I wish I did that.”  Don’t let time pass you by like a hand waving from a train you desperately want to be on.  Don’t spend the rest of your life thinking about why you didn't do what you can do right now.  Live your life.  Take risks.  Feel passion.  Discover love.  Run free.

5.  Life is too unpredictable for rigid expectations.

When you stop predicting and expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are.  Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.

With a positive attitude and an open mind, you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that “the easy” and “the hard” aren't exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.

Ninety-nine percent of the time life delivers the experiences that are most helpful for your personal growth.  How do you know it’s the experience you need?  Because it’s the experience you’re having.  The only question is:  Will you embrace it and grow, or fight it and fade?

The key, of course, is to accept that not everything is meant to be.  When things don’t turn out how you expected, you have to seriously sit down with yourself and come to grips with the fact that you were wrong about it all along.  It was just an illusion that never really was what you thought it was.  It’s one of the most difficult realizations to accept, to realize that you feel a sense of loss, even though you never really had what you thought you had in the first place.

6.  When you try to run away, you end up running in place.

“Don’t think about eating that chocolate donut!”  What are you thinking about now?  Eating that chocolate donut, right?  When you focus on not thinking about something, you end up thinking about it.

The same philosophy holds true when it comes to freeing your mind from a negative past experience.  By persistently trying to move away from what you didn't like and don’t want, you are forced to think about it so much that you end up carrying it’s weight along with you.  But if you instead choose to focus your energy on moving toward something you do like and do want, you naturally leave the negative weight behind as you progress forward.

Bottom line:  Running away from your problems is a race you’ll never win.  Move TOWARDS something instead of AWAY.  Rather than trying to eliminate the negative, focus on creating something positive that just happens to replace the negative.

7.  Unanticipated hardships are inevitable and helpful.

Nobody in this world is going to blindside you and hit you as hard as life will.  Sometimes life will beat you to the ground and try to keep you there if you let it.  But it’s not about how hard life can hit you, it’s about how hard you can be hit while continuing to move forward.  That’s what true strength is, and that’s what winning the game of life is all about.

When you have a lot to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and take a step forward instead, you are growing stronger.  Work through your struggles and hardships.  Even when it feels like things are falling apart, they’re not.  Take control of your emotions before they take control of you.  Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know that it’s all worthwhile in the end.

Afterthoughts

Gandhi once said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever.”  I love this quote.  There’s no doubt that every day is a gift, and the gift is an opportunity to live, to learn, and to grow.

Be a student of life.  Indulge in it and absorb all the knowledge you can, while you can.  You may have to loose some things to gain some things, and you may have to learn some things the hard way.  That’s OK.  All experiences are necessary.  The purpose of your life is to live it in full, to partake in it to the utmost, to reach out with an open mind and an honest heart for the newest and richest experience being offered.

written by Marc and Angel