Will my loved one communicate with me?

Studies have found 60+ percent of people who have had a loved one die (parent, spouse, child, or sibling) have felt their presence one or more times after their death. Some soon after and for a short period of time, while others said the experiences lasted on and off for several years.

40+ percent said they heard their loved one talking to them or singing their favorite song.

All bereaved replying said they found great comfort in these events, as it reinforced that their loved one was at peace and the spirit or essence of the person was still alive.

After the death of a loved one there are many different beliefs about how a deceased communicates with you to say..... 

"I am here with you and I'm O.K.". 

A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means a loved one is visiting you. They have also been known to make an appearance during times of celebration or sadness.. 

Seeing a butterfly fluttering around you when normally there are none.
This ls your loved one saying "HELLO!"

Finding "Dimes" or "Quarters" around your house where they should not be  and their presence cannot  be explained. 

Strange light or shadow in the night, a picture frame moved, or an item falling off a flat surface. All have been reported by people after their loved one died.

Dreams are the biggest reported means of communication with a loved one. They interact by sharing stories, asking for guidance, or talking about a special event that has or will soon happen.

What ever you choose to believe please remember, the one who is grieving finds comfort in these happenings, it helps them travel their journey in a more peaceful way. They don't need "naysayers"...   they need someone to listen and acknowledge that these events have happened.  NOT to everyone who has lost a loved one, but some.

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NOTES:

There are resources in most communities, you can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you.

My Grief Journey….. How Do I know I am moving forward?

My Grief Journey…..

How Do I know I am moving forward?

As you travel on a grief journey it is often difficult to know (or believe) you are moving forward. 

There is no magic Grief Measuring Tape, no timeline to follow or a special day when you wake up and say “I've arrived, the journey is over!”.

For some the journey never starts; others say it was after the third month that it really got tough; and for others they share how the second year of their loss was the hardest.

Since the grief journey knows no order you will have moments or days when you feel and believe nothing has changed. You are still at the beginning of the journey.  A song, a smell, a gathering or a special anniversary / celebration can hit you without warning in the most difficult situations. This is normal, you are not going crazy; you are not weak…. 

IT IS NORMAL; YOU ARE NORMAL!

To travel back to where you were before grief showed up uninvited will not take as long. You move back to your last step quickly and keep moving on from there.

With small steps, living each day as best you can, the time will come when you will be able to turn around and see that "yes, I have traveled along the grief journey, I am still on it, but I have moved forward."

Here are some signs to look for that say "you are progressing":

• You don’t cry, choke or feel weak at the mention of your loved one’s name.
• Tears don’t always appear when you think of your loved one, or see their picture.
• Memories more often bring comfort or a smile, not pain and tears.
• You make plans with others or on your own knowing they don’t include your loved one any more.
• You realize your life has changed. You are someone different than when your loved one was with you; and you are O.K. with that.
• You realize and accept that you are still living, although your love one is not.
• The cause of death isn’t the emphasis anymore.
• You know in your heart that even though your loved one died, the love between you can never be destroyed. It will live on forever as will your memories of them.
• When your love for them is what you remember most.
• You wonder how your loved one would have handled it if you had died first… and smile.

There are no rules to a grief journey. Each of us starts as a result of the death of a loved one…. There the similarities end. Our paths may cross at times (but this is not a spectator sport) and we must (each of us) give grief the time and energy it requires so we can move on and live. 

NOTES:

There are resources in most communities, you can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you.

“I’m sorry to tell you…you have cancer.”

Picture yourself on a roller-coaster… you are on top of the biggest drop ever and as you begin to fall you feel your stomach sink; your body tightens or you start shaking and your mind (or mouth) starts yelling “Nooooo!”. You truly feel “this is it, I’m done!”.

Now take this pictured experience; (X’s these feelings by 100 or more) Now you have a little better understanding of the shock, disbelief and fear when a family member or friend learns they have been diagnosed with cancer.... When their doctor says….

“I’m sorry to tell you, you have cancer.”

When cancer is their diagnosis, the person is overwhelmed, numb and frightened. Their mind flashes to all the people they new who did not survive their cancer…. Questions rush through such as “Do I tell my family I have cancer?” (Family, friends, my employer). “If yes, when and how do I tell them?” “How will my family survive without me?”

Medical advancements in the fight against cancer have improved in leaps & bounds over the last ten years and more.  Today many people are treated and survive their diagnosis.  It can be a very rough road, but a cancer diagnosis does not have to mean the end of their life. 

There are so many moving stories of young people going through the fight of their lives and somehow through the power of love, hope, healing and medicine they make it through to the other side.  This is the story of Chloe and I don’t think you’ll have too many words after you hear it.  You may cry a lot of tears of joy however.

This is truly moving stuff…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4WwcGq91VQ

It DOES MEAN they are in for a roller-coaster ride like no other; it means they will need many people to give them strength and help as they travel this very scary journey…..

YOU can be one of these “Helpers”. Even with no medical training or experience you too can assist your family member or friend as they travel their journey with cancer.

Here are some suggestions on how you can be of great assistance doing small tasks.

 Most of us have no idea how to ask for help. Men (as an example) find it hard to ask for directions when lost on a road trip, let alone ask for “help” because they are battling cancer.  They wouldn't even know what to ask for or how or who.

Many people will make vague offers. “Just let me know if I can help in anyway.” (They won't be called). Pride, ego, they don’t want to bother you, or are afraid it will be seen as a weakness…. They just won’t call and ask for help.

To help your friend and make their life easier, give tangible, much-needed specific support.  Don’t ask a question, make it a statement,..

“I will be over Saturday to cut the grass.”

“I will pick you up at 10:00 sharp and drive you to your Chemo appointment.”

“I’m bringing dinner over tomorrow night and we’ll eat together. Any food allergies?”

Additional ways to help make their life easier….

Deliver several pre-made meals. Place them in Freezer-bags so there is nothing to return to you after their use.

Send a quick email, text, or message saying you're thinking of them.

Place "No need to respond" at the end of your email or phone message -- they'll appreciate hearing from you without feeling the need to do anything in return.

• Take them shopping or do it for them. Ask for their list and what store(s) they prefer.
• Take time to visit and while there put a load of laundry on; dust, do the dishes or vacuum.
• Offer to take them out for a coffee or lunch date.
• Offer to visit. Check that they're feeling up for it or incase there is already a scheduled visit from a DR. Home Visit Nurse or PSW.
• Offer to take them out to a movie. If too tired, suggest a TV show they like and visit at their home. You bring the popcorn.
• Offer a ride to chemo and keep them company during the treatment. 
• Let them know you're "on call" for emergencies. Do they have your home phone and cell numbers?   

• Fresh flowers can be an infection risk for some cancer patients with weakened immune systems. Be safe… no flowers.
• Order take-out for delivery, ask if there are dietary limitations and then order it to be delivered.
• Bring them a good book or magazine on a topic they like (Hobbies, Sports, Travel etc.).
•  Send a legible “Thinking of You card”. A common side effect of cancer is tired eyes.  
• You can offer to be a "Point Person" screening callers and visitors.  Right after a diagnosis there are many calls with offers to help, but the person with cancer may be overwhelmed and may prefer some quiet space.

Remember to still be there after the diagnosis, when it's not so new anymore. The calls and offers will have died down, but your special someone is still struggling and needing concrete and emotional help.

• If they have a dog or cat, offer to come by and take it for a walk or to the groomers.
• If there are children offer to babysit, do a school pick-up, or have them over for a sleepover.
• Does your friend have a garden or lawn? Offer to come by and do some watering cutting / trimming and weeding.  
• When is garbage day? Come by and put it out…. Return and bring in the empty bins.

If you can, and your friend feels comfortable accepting it, give some cash… cancer can mean a huge financial hit. (Between hospital bills and the loss of income if they can't work.

• Buy a monthly parking pass for family members when the person has a prolonged hospitalization. Most hospital parking will provide a weekly or monthly pass for daily use.
• Help them buy a hat, wig, or scarf if they will lose their hair with treatment. If able, buy it for them.
• Be an awesome listener, don't give advice, don't try to be cheery; just listen and let the person talk. This is their journey not yours.
• Cancer isn't contagious so remember a hug is a powerful way of saying “I love you… I care!” 

You won't add stress to those dying by saying "Hello!"..

Even Robin Williams had a serious side….

The reasons are many, excuses galore, but when you are dying people come to see you no more.

Then when you've died they gather to say “Hi!”, pay their respects and to you say good-bye.

For the caregiver and family they drop cards, meals and such,but after three months they don’t think of you much.

Those who did care will always be there, to share good-time memories

and help wish you were here.

Robin Williams was right. People, especially terminally ill people are often

shun by their “friends”. Not knowing what to say, or how to react, they

just stay away. So you’re surrounded by people but feel so alone.

You don’t add stress to those dying.

Visit and smile and talk about old times; play cards; listen to music together;

watch a movie on T.V.; read them the paper or a book. Bring them a gift.... Your Time.

An hour of your time allows their spouse to go shopping; have lunch with a friend;

or go home to take care of things needing done. Forever grateful for the break they have been given; and the love you've shown to their love one is priceless. Here are some pointers you may want to know.

 I wish others wouldn't be afraid to speak my name.  I need to hear that I was important to you. Our friendship has meaning.

Speak freely to my love one, ask questions and let him/her cry if they wish. Come and visit me so she/he can have a break. 

IF I get emotional when we talk, it isn't because you have hurt me.  Death is the cause of my tears. You have allowed me to share my grief. 
I thank you for that. 

I love remembering the good times and they are a part of who I am. 

My sickness is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever. 

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might say things I can't share with my spouse. Protecting him/her is still at the top of my wants; so I hold back my fears, pain or sorry and worry.

I know you think of and pray for me often. I know my dying pains you too.

I don't want a "pity party," but I do wish you would visit and share some time with me. It is a way for me to smile and to enjoy a diversion, even if just for a short time.

I wish you understood how my life was shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. So I'll try to show my better side.

When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't feel okay and that I struggle daily. 

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal.

I am not going crazy. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me if I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky when you visit..... It's not you, it's me. 

 I value our friendship and do not want to loss you before I die.  Just be yourself around me… it’s O.K..

P.S.  I love you for caring, for being you…and thanks for the visit!

  

  
        

NOTES:

There are resources in most communities, you can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you in helping your friend.

a.k.a. Brain Fog....

Chemo Brain 
(a.k.a. Brain Fog)

This is a term used by cancer survivors to describe thinking and memory problems that can occur after their cancer treatment. This can sometimes last for days, weeks or even years. 

Though chemo-brain is a widely used term, it is still not clear what causes this to happen as a side effect in some cancer survivors.

Despite the many questions, it's clear that the memory problems can be a frustrating and debilitating side effect of cancer treatment to the client / family and friends.

Signs and symptoms of Cancer Related Brain Fog may include:

·         Confusion

·         Concentrating is a problem

·         Difficulty finding a word

·         Fatigue

·         Feeling of mental fogginess

·         Repetition of messages (Sometimes with different facts).

·         Short attention span

·         Difficulty multitasking

·         Short-term memory problems

·         Taking longer than usual to complete routine tasks

·         Being unusually disorganized

·         Trouble with verbal memory, such as remembering conversation details

·         Trouble with visual memory

  Brain Fog Symptoms can be worked on at home

There are some steps a family can take to help deal in a more manageable way with their love ones memory fog. 

·         Soft music may help drown out other noises.

·         Before tackling a task that requires concentration, take steps for success.

·         Use calendars or planners to keep on task.

·         Take up a new hobby or master a new skill.

·         Pick a time of day when you'll be the most alert to make calls or take on tasks.

·         Eat healthy so you won't be distracted by hunger.

·         Get a good night's sleep. If tired during the day take a nap.

·         Make a daily list so you know what you'll need to do in order to complete your day.

·         Divide your tasks into manageable sections.

·          If noise and commotion are contributing to your distraction, find a quiet corner where you can concentrate.

·         Use a timer at home to help you remember tasks that you need to accomplish at a given time.

·         Try crossword puzzles or number games to exercise your brain.

·         Moderate exercise, such as walking, can help you cope with stress, fatigue or depression.

·         See your Doctor if symptoms are aggressive or worrisome.

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling  

Remembering the Good Times

Remembering the Good Times

“Real happiness is so simple that most people do not recognize it.  They think it comes from doing something on a grand scale, from some great achievement, or great recognition. In reality it is derived from the simplest, the quietest, the most unpretentious moments shared by two or in a family. Moments shared with those we love.”   

I had the good fortune to facilitate a Mixed Grief Group made up of individuals from different life experiences around the death of a loved one.

 (Death of a spouse, a child, a sibling, a parent or a relative.)

We shared our lack of ability to control what happened or when our feelings / emotions would make an appearance causing sadness, tears and/or anger; often at the most inappropriate time. Then we talked about “Happy Moments”, a special memory or a meaningful experience shared with their loved one. Pictures of these moments flooded their minds as we sat late into the night remembering all the “Good Times or Funny Moments shared”. What would your story be?

  

Coping with Grief at Family Celebrations

Dealing with grief during the Holidays and Special Events  

Grieving the death of a loved one is a deep and difficult challenge during any holiday season or special anniversary such as Birthdays, Wedding or actual day of death. It can jolt your senses back to your loss and cause renewed grieving. Family gatherings can be painful reminders that a loved one is not there to enjoy the occasion. For you these events can also be comforting times where you spend time with friends and family. It can be a time to remember happier memories and bring back a smile or two.

While holidays and family events can be painful reminders of a loved one; there are actions you can try (with others) to soften the negative and build on the positive of these gatherings.

There are no right or wrong ways to journey through your grief. 

You decide if you can share in any event honoring your loved one. You are not obligated to take part in anything if it doesn't feel right for you. Grieving takes time. Focus on getting through the day or event. Yesterday is over, tomorrow is not here as yet, so focus on this moment / today.

Acknowledge your emotions and feelings.

Everyone takes a different path in their grief journey. You cannot avoid sad feelings, accept they will be there; they will not last forever. At times you may be in tears; you may feel guilty that you are not enjoying a holiday or that you are spoiling it for others. How ever you’re feeling, know you are normal (not going crazy). Accept the feelings as they arrive and let them be. These feelings come and go, so you will have UP or/and DOWN moments. You might feel in control one second, then deeply saddened the next. You may feel joy and then feel guilty for enjoying it. Just be yourself, others will not judge you as you travel through your grief at your own pace.

During these occasions it is not your responsibly to be the “Good Host” or to rescue others.

Family and friends. 

Share your fears with loved ones. Be honest about how you would like to see things happen at this gathering.  (Say a prayer or make a statement before the celebration starts. Let others know it's OK for them to speak too. Light a candle in memory of your loved one so there is a feeling of their presence at the event.) Before the occasion, join a support group, receive comfort from your faith-community, or talk to a counselor for support. Stay in touch with others who are grieving. 

Children grieve too. 

Holidays place stress and emotional confusion on children as well as adults. Understand their needs. They too have to get through the holidays or family event. 

They may silently wonder why there "even is a festivity" when their parent / sibling / relative has died. Talk with them about your grief and their journey. 

Your greatest gift to a child is helping the child know they are normal. Often the more you share the more they will talk about how they feel.

Seek professional guidance if your child seems overly depressed or has several mood swings around the death of their loved one.

Don’t judge what they say; just listen and encourage them to talk and/or allow them to be emotional. You may find you become emotional together.

 “HUGS” are a powerful way to say “I care, I understand, I am with you on this. We'll go through it together."

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling  

There are resources in most communities, send a quick note to myself and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local Volunteer Bureau for a list of organizations.