A mother's grief.... What do you say? How can you help?

 We all struggle to say and do the "right" thing.              by: Bill R

Brenda shares her story.....

Friends and Family in an effort to be helpful may trivialize grief by expressing their own opinions as if that is what you need to hear. 

• He/she is in a better place.
• There is a reason for everything.
• At least you can have more children.
• Aren't you over this yet, she has been gone for awhile, 
• You have two more children who need you.
• She was such a good child God needed her to be with Him.
• I know how you feel.
• Be strong.
• These feelings will go away in time.

While some of these comments may be supportive to some people, the way in which they are said has the exact opposite effect than what was intended.

More appropriate comments of comfort might be.... 

• I am so sorry for your loss.
• I wish I had the right words to express how I care.
• I don’t know how you feel, but know I am here to help. (be specific / Can I cook or       clean or do laundry? Can I get groceries, cut the grass, call people for you etc.)
• You and your son/daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.
• My favorite memory of (name) is…
• I am a phone call away; is it O.K. if I call you to say hi and check how things are for you?
• We all need help at times like this, I am here for you. How can I help?
• Saying nothing, just be with the person. Let them cry... be angry... or sad... or quiet.
• Give a hug / no words needed.
• Talk about their loved one, let her see his/her memory is still alive in others.
• Understanding the importance and hardship of 1st Anniversaries... Birthday, Christmas, Easter, Mother's / Father's Day, Valentines Day, family gatherings and other such events.

 We all struggle to say and do the "right" thing so as to be supportive of a person grieving the loss of a loved one.... When parent(s) were asked what would they find helpful, two key comments came up most often:... 

"Please do not ignore me / us. Do not hide in a store, or cross the street so not to talk with us. We know it can be hard; it is hard for us too. We need to know you care and need your friendship now more than ever."

"Please do not stop talking about our loved one. Remember him/her as we do. Remember and share the good stories, good times, fun times, and photos. We need to know others remember and that our loved one will never be forgotten. 

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is to ask for assistance. 

This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

There are resources in most communities, send a quick note to myself and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local Volunteer Bureau for a list of organizations.