What does time have to do with grief?

Q: What does time have to do with grief?

A: Everything. 

Like most of us; in your everyday life the clock and the calendar run your days and nights.   Time is a commodity that is precious to you, but once gone you cannot buy more or bring back what's already past. There is no warranty on time.

We live in a society that reminds us that every moment counts, and like most of us you try to multitask, cramming as much as you can into every day. Office/work, home chores, child needs, our own needs and the needs of those in our life circle. (friends, family, co-workers)

As you are grieving your loved one(s), time does stand still.  All you know and believe about time changes. You function daily to some degree but more in a haze or fog that starts and ends with each day. You get some things done but you don't know how you managed.

Time stands still.
You question the world "How dare it function as before.....
Don't they know you have died? Don't they know I am grieving; my life is in shambles?"



Time for grieving has a limit. (Not)
Your employer gives you three days off to grieve, then back to work you go.... or use up some vacation time.

Friends will understand for a month or two that you need to talk about your loved one or even openly cry . During this time your friends will probably seem to be responsive to your needs. They'll bring frozen dinners or telephone just to say hi. But when "time is up" they may start to give hints or say out loud  "Don't you think that it’s time to move on; it's time to get over “it”". "Are you still in that slump?" " Deal with it, it's been 6 months now!"

Some friends or family members may start to be uncomfortable with your need to dwell on your sadness. They do not appreciate that it takes time to readjust our life.  

True support is from those who are willing and able to walk along side you on your personal journey of grief, and who will encourage you to determine when your “time’s up”. This could take months, even years. We never get "Over It" we just learn over time to change the focus of how they died to the good memories, fun times or quiet private moments shared.

Doing Time.
Grief may make you feel locked in your own version of hell. You won’t like who you are. You won’t like that your loved one has gone. You won’t like it that your friends can’t make you feel better. You just want out of here, and you're not sure you want to do the work that grief requires in order to be set free from this grief jail. Some of you will remain in this uncomfortable place for a short time while others may "seem over it" sooner, leaving you to feel you have been given a longer sentence.



Wasting time.
While in real life our pride has us as a master at multitasking, in the land of grief you are much less sure of yourself. You find it hard to make decisions, because of your new situation you don’t trust yourself to make the right choice. You want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes your wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. You are physically exhausted and your body refuses to make an effort to reclaim your former self.

Looking back in time
When you grieve you spend most of your time, at least at first, looking back. It seems more in control that way. That’s where your missing loved ones are. If you were to look forward, that would mean you have to imagine your  life without the loved one you lost. And that’s what you aren't ready to accept--not yet. So you spend a lot of time thinking how you should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if you used your time with them well. In time as you remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times you can see these as moving forward in your grief journey.



Firsts are how you measure the first year or two
It is natural for you to gauge your life after a loss as you anticipate and then go through the FIRST TIMES....

First day, first week, first month, first time you go out, the first time you are back to school, or church, or work. First Summer vacation, first Christmas, first Winter vacation, first time you laughed. These first times are like benchmarks, notches in your belt that prove you are surviving when you weren't sure you wanted to, or didn't know you could. Another first time is the anniversary of your loved ones death or His/her birthday or your child's birthday with out mom / dad. Later in life first times might include Graduation or school events, marriages of your children or birth of a grandchild. While these may occur years later, the loss, sad feelings, regrets can all return as if the death was yesterday..... This only means you are normal.

Mealtime
There’s an empty chair at the table. There’s the conversation that seems to be just noise, having little to do with the absent one about whom you are all thinking but not daring to speak. You still prepare more food than you now need because we haven’t yet figured out how to cook for one less person.
Sometimes the food seems to have no taste, and is not able to do what you want it to do; to fill that huge hole (empty feeling) within you.

Time out
Sometimes what you need to do is to take a time out from your regular activities. Have a "Me Day" to reflect on what has happened to your personal world. It’s in the quiet time, when you shut off your every day thinking and empty out the daily chatter in your head. Others will have to be okay with your need to bow out for a while. Remember that during grief your job is to take care of yourself, not to take care of your friends. When it’s time to re-enter a normal routine, it’s your choice what you will reinstate and what you decide to lay aside. Loss tends to redefine your priorities. What used to be important may not be important now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Time heals what reason cannot.
Time will change things. The intensity you experience when grief is new, where you can see nothing but your loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer. Time forces the big picture of life back into your vision whether you like it or not.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life in your world will once again seem possible. This will not happen because you come to understand the death more clearly. It will happen with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with and each "first" experience will bring you closer to understanding your strength and ability to build a new you in a new world.

Time will keep some of your grief forever.
The scars of your grief will remain and you may find yourself ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite so important as it once was.