GRIEF & THE HOLIDAYS

“Holidays are time spent with loved ones” was imprinted on our psyche from a young age. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they generally represent time spent with family. They bring meaning to certain days and we bring much meaning back to them. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, how on earth can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died? For many people, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual. How can you celebrate togetherness when there is none? When you have lost someone special, your world loses its celebratory qualities. Holidays only magnify the loss. The sadness feels sadder and the loneliness goes deeper. The need for support may be the greatest during the holidays. Pretending you don’t hurt and or it is not a harder time of the year is just not the truth for you. If it wasn’t harder you probably wouldn’t be here. You can and will get through the holidays. Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them. It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain. There are a number of ways to incorporate your loved one and your loss into the holidays.

Just Remember

Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrain we navigate after a loss. The ways we handle them are as individual as we are. What is vitally important is that we be present for the loss in whatever form the holidays do or don’t take. These holidays are part of the journey to be felt fully. They are usually very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a brief moment of laughter. You don’t have to be a victim of the pain or the past. When the past calls, let it go to voice mail…it has nothing to say. You don’t have to be haunted by the pain or the past. You can remember and honor the love. Whatever you experience, just remember that sadness is allowed because death, as they say, doesn’t take a holiday.

Even without grief, our friends and relatives often think they know how our holidays should look, what the family should and shouldn’t do. Now more than ever, be gentle with yourself. Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.

Days Leading Up To Christmas, and or the New Year


These are the often the most challenging of all. Rather than attempting to avoid the feelings of grief during this time, I suggest leaning into them, embracing them, sharing them with others.

It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain.



Grief is our internal feelings and mourning is our external expressions.



Embrace your grief by giving it a time and a place

Before the Holiday Dinner
· Share a prayer about your loved one.

· Light a candle in remembrance of your loved one.

· Create an online tribute for them. (i.e.: Face book or YouTube)

· Share a favourite story about your loved one.

· Have everyone tell a funny story about your loved one.

· At your place of worship remember them in a prayer or bulletin.

· Chat online about them with friends or group talk sites.




Ways to Cope

Have a Plan A/Plan B – Plan A is you go to the Christmas Day or Christmas Eve dinner with family or friends. If it doesn’t feel right, have your plan B ready. Plan B may be a movie you both liked or a photo album to look through or a special place you went to together. Many people find that when they have Plan B in place, just knowing it is there is enough. Speak to the Host and let them know you might leave quietly if need be.

Yes, you can cancel the “Traditional Happenings”. If you are going through the motions and feeling nothing, cancel them. Take a year off. They will come around again. For others, staying involved with the Holidays is a symbol of life continuing. Let the Holiday routine give you a framework during these tough times.


Try the Holidays in a new way. Grief has a unique way of giving us the permission to really evaluate what parts of the Holiday Traditions you enjoy and what parts you don’t. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle the Holidays in grief. You have to decide what is right for you and do it. You have every right to change your mind, even a few times. Friends and family members may not have a clue how to help you through this period and you may not either.

Do’s and Don’ts

· Do be gentle with yourself and protect yourself.

· Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your heart, your soul and honour your loss.

· Do allow time for the feelings to happen.

· Don’t keep feelings bottled up. If you have 1000 tears to cry don’t stop at 457.

· Do allow others to help. We all need help at certain times in our lives.

· Don’t ask if you can help or should help a friend in grief. Just help. Find ways; invite them to group events or just out for coffee.

· Give extra attention to the children. Children are too often the forgotten grievers during these busy times..

Personal Activities that might help

· Write a love letter

· Smile a smile for them (in a mirror if you can)

· Light a red candle

· Tell someone about them.

· Find ways to honour and remember your loved one.


· Think of ways to involve children in all activities of remembrance.

· Donate time or money in your loved ones name.

· Do something you loved to do together on that day.







It isn’t as important how you remember; you honour them and yourself by the fact that you remember…..




BR