Holding Hands with a dying person....

Title palliative care.... Doctor, Nurse, PSW, or Volunteer. In reality they are facilitators, coaches, a guide or caring friend. They offer kind, nonjudgmental support and guidance. They help people walk through some of the most difficult days of their life as they say good-bye to a loved one and/or the person who is dying.

Palliative Care people are unique individuals because...

They are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When they are with someone, they open their hearts, offer unconditional support, and bring this person to a new level of experience with the meaning of love.... one to another.

As a Hospice Volunteer and Bereavement Counselor / Grief Group Facilitator, friends and family often ask "It must be hard." "How do you do it?"; "Are there secrets to not getting overly involved in their life?"...... This is my response.

"Yes it is hard.....  but there is a way of being and sharing with others that honors their individuality, plus it gives them the dignity and respect they deserve as they live their final days. This way of being also supports the caregiver(s) and family members as they say good-bye to their loved one." 

• Encourage people to trust their own intuition and judgement. Most already know the "right" action to be taken and lust need to believe in themselves that they can do what must be done. There is rarely a right or wrong way to be with a dying person. Just be yourself and do the best you can.

• Information and emotional overload abound during these times. Give people only as much information as they can handle. Don't show what you know by using medical terms or ten-syllable words. Keep answers short and to the point. Help them understand what is happening and what may be next. Dying is a normal process and it is often harder on the observer that the individual who is passing.     

• No one wants to make a wrong decision when someones life is ending. Family will often ask for your direction on what to do next.....  Decision making is theirs, so don't take their power away from them. Help them work through their options, emotions and feelings. The final decision is theirs to make. 

• Keeping my ego at bay.  As I arrive I visualize hanging my own ego up on a hanger. This is their journey, not mine. I take no power from them. I make no judgments on who they are, their beliefs or actions. I am not a surrogate decision maker. 

• We most often fail at things we do for the first time. (That is how we learn). Supporting a family member who is dying (if the first time) leaves lots of room for mistakes or new learning's. (Giving a needle; feeding; bathing or toileting.) Help them feel safe enough to fail; not to get it right the first time is O.K.. To be nervous about trying new things or having new responsibilities for their loved one are normal.

• Provide guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness. Again, this is not your journey, it is theirs. LISTEN to their thoughts, fears and worry. Just listening is sometimes the greatest gift you can give. No judgement, no "other ways of seeing it" or imposing your values or beliefs..... Just listen.

On leaving their home or hospital you can get your ego back off the hanger and be on your way. 

So my response to questions from friends and family....

 " On arrival to their home, I place all of my daily trials and tribulations in an imaginary  box on the front seat of my car. This visit will be about them / not me. When I leave, I take my stuff out of the box and place theirs in the box..... until our next visit."

Bill can be reached at privatesessions@rogers.com

Scientists May Have Discovered A New Important Cause Of Depression

May or may not be factual.... This has not be verified by me.... but makes an interesting and hopeful read

Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?

Grief: How Do I Climb Out of This Hole?

Feel what you are feeling:  

Holding everything inside will just make you explode later. If others are uncomfortable with you being you that is their problem, not yours! The release of emotions will become your fuel to do something constructive while on your grief journey.

 

Talking about it:

Find a friend or professional support to share your thoughts, feelings, tears and fears with.  Even if you find just one person, he/she/they will help you move through your grief journey to a better place. We all need that support. Unconditional listeners lets us hear ourselves as we talk out loud and sometimes, hearing ourselves gives us the answer we are looking for.

Taking a time out: 

No one can argue that you need a break. Sometimes, (like the death of a loved one) life just needs to slow down or stop. If you have an employer, you will need to take time off work. Not the usual 3 – 5 days for bereavement leave, but maybe even longer. See a doctor for advice on how much time is right for you…. (Do you qualify for long-term leave or can you use up some holiday time?)  Right now it is all about you.

Death creates paperwork:  

We all have a hierarchy of basic needs; (shelter, clothing, food etc.) With the death of a loved one, income levels may change. Wills, legal fees, funeral services, loss of income will impact us at a most terrifying time.  Financial and “must do” demands will add to the stress of the moment, and like a game of ping-pong will fly our emotions into a series of ups and downs. Sometimes with the ball falling right-off-the-table causing us to think / feel we have lost it altogether.   

Emotional Hierarchy of Basic Needs:

Like financial needs us humans require a steady dose of physical touch, hugs, love and a sense of acceptance for who we are. While the frozen dinners and multitude of visitors and phone-calls will last for 3 – 6 months; all this slows down thereafter. Surround yourself with people who are keepers. Friends, or family who will be there for a dinner invitation. (take it, or do the inviting); go for coffee with friends. (Set a schedule like every Wednesday Morning. This gives you something to look forward to). Visit others who cannot get out. Start and end the gathering with a hug. They’re free and are worth a million dollars.

Be on Guard for Grief’s’ Nasty Habits: 

Be cautious about starting or increasing smoking , drinking, over medicating, over eating or other addictive behaviors. IF happening to you, it needs to stop now. These behaviours may provide short term relief but will also bring on long term grief. See your Doctor or seek profession advice.

Nights and Weekends can be the Roughest:

As we jump or pull ourselves out of bed each morning there is an emptiness that cannot be put into words. The mornings and afternoons we function in a fog but we do function. Then the evening hours or weekends arrive and this emptiness deepens to a depth we never knew we could reach. Loud music or having the T.V. on doesn’t seem to help…. We know sleep will not come easily, so we stay up later than we used too in hopes of falling to sleep faster once we get to bed.

Be patient with yourself:

Being forced to start a new life doesn't happen overnight. It could take months or years. You'll be making constant small steps that you won't even notice. Imagine losing a pound a month. You're not going to be able to tell in the first year that you are down 12 pounds…. BUT in the next 12 months  your clothes will be too big, your friends will be commenting, the mirror would be your friend. By the time you do see a difference, you'll probably be awesome, happy, and content with your adjusted life style and future prospects. (I know that sounds like going to the moon and back right now) Until the moment comes when you wake up one morning and say “I feel different” “Don’t know why, but, just different”.  Take your time and trust It will come. It always does. Remember H.O.P.E. “Hold On Pain Ends”

Grief is Not Invited:

Grief is a unwelcome visitor who comes and goes at will.

A song; smell; story; an old joke, even the time of day or as you are walking through the mall…. Grief will pop-up and the tears or that weak sinking feeling will hit without warning. This is normal and you are not going crazy! In time these happenings will diminish in frequency and intensity. In time you will take control remembering the good times and not be focused on the death. In time you will create a new normal for yourself; not forgetting your loved one (that can never happen nor do you want it to) but smiling as you recall the good times. In time you will look to your future knowing the strength and courage to move forward has come to you from the loved one who now only lives in your heart. In time….. 

Grief.... I am at the start of a New Year (2015)

Grief.... we have ended a year (2014)….

 and started a New Year (2015)....

Survival

Some of us, who grieve the loss of a loved one, have just ended what could be the two most difficult weeks of any year. Christmas and New Years create feelings and emotions that surge to our inner most soul 

and create a pain that few can understand.

We smiled and said we’re fine or O.K.; But we are not fine or O.K..

The norm is to celebrate with friends, food, noise-makers and resolutions. As a griever, you have successfully made it through these two weeks, while at times you just didn't want to go on.  

Congratulations on your strength and survival.

Fitting In

As all around you, others seemed so happy, you may have thought

“what do I have to be happy about? How can I possibly look forward to a new year without the physical presence of my loved one”

Grieving hurts… and if your loss is recent (or even 10 years ago) it can be debilitating, devastating or even dangerous.

     

Your loved one has died, your heart is broken, and your grief is overwhelming; you struggle daily with the draining emotion of sadness, you don’t feel ready or hopeful about facing a new year.  

Am I Normal

You are human, and all these feelings and emotions are what make you that way. Because you are human, time will help you adapt and daily living can once again include joy in these events….. as well as birthdays, anniversaries or similar special, memorable happenings.

A Legacy of Gifts

Your love and relationship with your loved one influenced you physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. These are your loved one’s permanent gifts to you. They can never be taken away or forgotten. 

But you can share these gifts with others….. especially in the New Year.

My New Year Resolution

Write a list of gifts your loved one has given you.  

Maybe a love for music, or reading, or art, or travel, or faith, or being physically active …. (you get the idea). Match these gifts to your community needs where you live. In memory of your loved one, volunteer your time to carry on and honor their legacy…. 

Create a New Years Resolution to share these gifts with others.

Be it with children, adults or seniors; find a place to put your loved ones gifts given to you into action. Carry them forward by sharing them with others.

How do I create a Positive Resolution?

Helping out at a children’s centre with crafts or sports; reading books to young listeners at the library; joining a walking group or faith related study group. You need to put the pieces of the puzzle together and end up with a picture of how you will change your world (and the world for others) over the next 12 months. Come  Christmas or New Years 2015/16. you will be better equipped to enjoy it… not forgetting your loved one, but knowing the essence of "their being" still lives on through your actions and in honor of them.

End Result

You will feel stronger as you face your Christmas & New Year (2016) You may even smile, remembering the love, joy and gifts your loved one 

gave to you still live on.

For Readers in Region of Waterloo Canada

Bill R is available for 

Private Sessions 

and/or referrals to Not-for-profit Organizations 

providing no fee services to all denominations.

privatesessions@rogers.com

It didn't happen on your watch Doc.... It just happened....

A recent article I read spoke of the 2nd year of grieving.....
I have been in a dark hole the last few weeks, I was not just a grieving single mother. Tears, bad thoughts, withdrawal, extreme anger and sadness, loneliness....these emotions have surrounded me. It's all too easy to get lost in this, struggling round and round at the bottom of the whirlpool, with an overwhelming feeling that if I was religious or more spiritual, and believed totally that I would see him again, then it wouldn't be so bad......but I'm not.

Somewhere, deep within me, I knew I could crawl out of the sludge at the bottom of the hole eventually. I remembered the glimpses of hope I had in the first year of grief. I remembered my mantra of "joy and purpose". I remembered the self made promise that I would not allow myself to be worse in the second year of grief, like all the books say, yet here I was, drowning in the reality that my boy was gone. I felt like I had a small collection of friends that I let my guard down with, and I begged them not to think I was depressed just because I always cried with them. The rest of the time I wore my masks and became more reclusive.

Then I met someone new to grief. His wife has breast cancer and he had tears in his eyes telling me their story. I shared my story and tears in return. It was an odd moment, one shared by two strangers in the parallel universe of suffering. I thought no more of it until I received a card from him with the following amazing words:



"A good Doctor deals with the known-known's. A great Doctor deals with the known-unknown's, but no Doctor can deal with the unknown-unknown's. It didn't happen on your watch Doc, it just happened while you were on watch...."


                         



Yep, it just happened. There is no sense to be made of it. It wasn't my fault. I have to stop blaming myself, hating myself. I have to move on, if only at a crawling pace. The depth of grief represents the love we have for the one we've lost, and a parent's love is immeasurable. I'm struggling. I'm exhausted. I accept that. Like a pregnant woman who only sees the other pregnant women in the crowd, I am only seeing the death, loss and sadness around me, and there is plenty of that. I give everything I have to work and to my daughter and to grief. There is nothing left for anyone else, and there is nothing coming back for me. There has to be some way to make this pain better.

Note to Readers:
"There has to be some way to make this pain better." The pain will diminish; the thoughts will change from being focused "on the death" or "how he/she died" to "how he/she lived". Time will make this happen..... at the appropriate time.... you can not rush it; but it will happen.

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow....(Gandhi)

 “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  
Learn as if you were to live forever.” 

In the midst of my sorrow I now realize this tragic loss taught me three important things.  

First, the worst things can happen to the best people for no obvious reason at all.  

Second, most people, even the ones you don’t think care, are genuinely good people who do care.

  

Third, just as it is difficult to see all the opportunities life gives you until you’re looking back, it is virtually impossible to fully understand certain life circumstances until they actually happen to you.

It’s a variation of this final point that I want to explore – 
Seven important life lessons almost everyone learns the hard way, (eventually).

1.  The people you lose remain a part of you.

Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss.  As life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence.

When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss.  You will never forget them.  However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news.  They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn't fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound.  It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.

2.  The pursuit of happiness is about finding meaning.

Pursuing happiness is not at all the same as being happy, which is a fleeting feeling dependent on momentary circumstances.  If the sun is shining, by all means bask in it.  Happy times are great and often fun-filled, but happy times pass, because time passes.  This is something we rarely grasp at first.

The lifelong pursuit of happiness, on the other hand, is more elusive; it’s not based on a particular outcome.  What you are really pursuing is meaning – living a meaningful life.  It starts with your “why.”  (Why are you doing what you’re doing with your life?)  When your “why” is meaningful, you are pursuing happiness.  There will be times when things go so wrong that you barely feel alive.  And there will also be times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a lifeless existence for eighty years on someone else’s terms.  The pursuit isn't all or nothing; it’s all AND nothing, with ups and downs and worthwhile lessons along the way.

In other words, happiness comes most easily when you know what you’re doing, believe in what you’re doing, and love what you’re doing (and who you’re doing it with), regardless of how things turn out.

3.  Seeking validation from others invalidates YOU.

Has the fear of rejection held you back?  Have you ever been so fearful of what others might think or say about you that it kept you from taking positive action?  I bet you’re shaking your head, “yes.”

It’s time to change your mindset…

Today, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.  Prove yourself to yourself, not others.  You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough.  You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already valuable.

If someone says “no” to you, or if someone says something negative about you, that doesn’t change anything about YOU.  The words and opinions of others have no real bearing on your worth.  Certainly it can be helpful and desirable to make a good impression in certain situations, yet it’s not the end of the world when you are faced with rejection.

It’s great to receive positive feedback, but it simply doesn't always happen.  That’s OK though, because you know where you’re headed and you know your true worth does not depend on the judgment of others.  When you set out to make a true difference in life, there will be those who disagree with you, those who ignore you, and those who flat out reject your ideas and efforts.  Look beyond them, step confidently forward, do what must be done, and let them think what they will.

4.  Regret hurts far worse than fear.

When we give in to our fears, we have a harder time looking at ourselves in the mirror.  Sadly, very few of us escape learning this lesson firsthand.  If you have already experienced this a time or two, you know what you need to do.

It is only when we risk losing that we truly open the possibility to win.  Whether it is quitting your job to build a business, running a marathon, or traveling to unknown parts of the world, any worthy endeavor requires risk, struggle and sacrifice.  Some of these things may even terrify you, but ask yourself if these fears are stronger than the most powerful of fears, the fear of a wasted life?

If you've never lost your mind, you've never followed your heart.  It’s better to look back on life and say, “I can’t believe I did that,” than to look back and say, “I wish I did that.”  Don’t let time pass you by like a hand waving from a train you desperately want to be on.  Don’t spend the rest of your life thinking about why you didn't do what you can do right now.  Live your life.  Take risks.  Feel passion.  Discover love.  Run free.

5.  Life is too unpredictable for rigid expectations.

When you stop predicting and expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are.  Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.

With a positive attitude and an open mind, you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that “the easy” and “the hard” aren't exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.

Ninety-nine percent of the time life delivers the experiences that are most helpful for your personal growth.  How do you know it’s the experience you need?  Because it’s the experience you’re having.  The only question is:  Will you embrace it and grow, or fight it and fade?

The key, of course, is to accept that not everything is meant to be.  When things don’t turn out how you expected, you have to seriously sit down with yourself and come to grips with the fact that you were wrong about it all along.  It was just an illusion that never really was what you thought it was.  It’s one of the most difficult realizations to accept, to realize that you feel a sense of loss, even though you never really had what you thought you had in the first place.

6.  When you try to run away, you end up running in place.

“Don’t think about eating that chocolate donut!”  What are you thinking about now?  Eating that chocolate donut, right?  When you focus on not thinking about something, you end up thinking about it.

The same philosophy holds true when it comes to freeing your mind from a negative past experience.  By persistently trying to move away from what you didn't like and don’t want, you are forced to think about it so much that you end up carrying it’s weight along with you.  But if you instead choose to focus your energy on moving toward something you do like and do want, you naturally leave the negative weight behind as you progress forward.

Bottom line:  Running away from your problems is a race you’ll never win.  Move TOWARDS something instead of AWAY.  Rather than trying to eliminate the negative, focus on creating something positive that just happens to replace the negative.

7.  Unanticipated hardships are inevitable and helpful.

Nobody in this world is going to blindside you and hit you as hard as life will.  Sometimes life will beat you to the ground and try to keep you there if you let it.  But it’s not about how hard life can hit you, it’s about how hard you can be hit while continuing to move forward.  That’s what true strength is, and that’s what winning the game of life is all about.

When you have a lot to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and take a step forward instead, you are growing stronger.  Work through your struggles and hardships.  Even when it feels like things are falling apart, they’re not.  Take control of your emotions before they take control of you.  Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know that it’s all worthwhile in the end.

Afterthoughts

Gandhi once said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever.”  I love this quote.  There’s no doubt that every day is a gift, and the gift is an opportunity to live, to learn, and to grow.

Be a student of life.  Indulge in it and absorb all the knowledge you can, while you can.  You may have to loose some things to gain some things, and you may have to learn some things the hard way.  That’s OK.  All experiences are necessary.  The purpose of your life is to live it in full, to partake in it to the utmost, to reach out with an open mind and an honest heart for the newest and richest experience being offered.

written by Marc and Angel

What does time have to do with grief?

Q: What does time have to do with grief?

A: Everything. 

Like most of us; in your everyday life the clock and the calendar run your days and nights.   Time is a commodity that is precious to you, but once gone you cannot buy more or bring back what's already past. There is no warranty on time.

We live in a society that reminds us that every moment counts, and like most of us you try to multitask, cramming as much as you can into every day. Office/work, home chores, child needs, our own needs and the needs of those in our life circle. (friends, family, co-workers)

As you are grieving your loved one(s), time does stand still.  All you know and believe about time changes. You function daily to some degree but more in a haze or fog that starts and ends with each day. You get some things done but you don't know how you managed.

Time stands still.
You question the world "How dare it function as before.....
Don't they know you have died? Don't they know I am grieving; my life is in shambles?"



Time for grieving has a limit. (Not)
Your employer gives you three days off to grieve, then back to work you go.... or use up some vacation time.

Friends will understand for a month or two that you need to talk about your loved one or even openly cry . During this time your friends will probably seem to be responsive to your needs. They'll bring frozen dinners or telephone just to say hi. But when "time is up" they may start to give hints or say out loud  "Don't you think that it’s time to move on; it's time to get over “it”". "Are you still in that slump?" " Deal with it, it's been 6 months now!"

Some friends or family members may start to be uncomfortable with your need to dwell on your sadness. They do not appreciate that it takes time to readjust our life.  

True support is from those who are willing and able to walk along side you on your personal journey of grief, and who will encourage you to determine when your “time’s up”. This could take months, even years. We never get "Over It" we just learn over time to change the focus of how they died to the good memories, fun times or quiet private moments shared.

Doing Time.
Grief may make you feel locked in your own version of hell. You won’t like who you are. You won’t like that your loved one has gone. You won’t like it that your friends can’t make you feel better. You just want out of here, and you're not sure you want to do the work that grief requires in order to be set free from this grief jail. Some of you will remain in this uncomfortable place for a short time while others may "seem over it" sooner, leaving you to feel you have been given a longer sentence.



Wasting time.
While in real life our pride has us as a master at multitasking, in the land of grief you are much less sure of yourself. You find it hard to make decisions, because of your new situation you don’t trust yourself to make the right choice. You want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes your wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. You are physically exhausted and your body refuses to make an effort to reclaim your former self.

Looking back in time
When you grieve you spend most of your time, at least at first, looking back. It seems more in control that way. That’s where your missing loved ones are. If you were to look forward, that would mean you have to imagine your  life without the loved one you lost. And that’s what you aren't ready to accept--not yet. So you spend a lot of time thinking how you should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if you used your time with them well. In time as you remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times you can see these as moving forward in your grief journey.



Firsts are how you measure the first year or two
It is natural for you to gauge your life after a loss as you anticipate and then go through the FIRST TIMES....

First day, first week, first month, first time you go out, the first time you are back to school, or church, or work. First Summer vacation, first Christmas, first Winter vacation, first time you laughed. These first times are like benchmarks, notches in your belt that prove you are surviving when you weren't sure you wanted to, or didn't know you could. Another first time is the anniversary of your loved ones death or His/her birthday or your child's birthday with out mom / dad. Later in life first times might include Graduation or school events, marriages of your children or birth of a grandchild. While these may occur years later, the loss, sad feelings, regrets can all return as if the death was yesterday..... This only means you are normal.

Mealtime
There’s an empty chair at the table. There’s the conversation that seems to be just noise, having little to do with the absent one about whom you are all thinking but not daring to speak. You still prepare more food than you now need because we haven’t yet figured out how to cook for one less person.
Sometimes the food seems to have no taste, and is not able to do what you want it to do; to fill that huge hole (empty feeling) within you.

Time out
Sometimes what you need to do is to take a time out from your regular activities. Have a "Me Day" to reflect on what has happened to your personal world. It’s in the quiet time, when you shut off your every day thinking and empty out the daily chatter in your head. Others will have to be okay with your need to bow out for a while. Remember that during grief your job is to take care of yourself, not to take care of your friends. When it’s time to re-enter a normal routine, it’s your choice what you will reinstate and what you decide to lay aside. Loss tends to redefine your priorities. What used to be important may not be important now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Time heals what reason cannot.
Time will change things. The intensity you experience when grief is new, where you can see nothing but your loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer. Time forces the big picture of life back into your vision whether you like it or not.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life in your world will once again seem possible. This will not happen because you come to understand the death more clearly. It will happen with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with and each "first" experience will bring you closer to understanding your strength and ability to build a new you in a new world.

Time will keep some of your grief forever.
The scars of your grief will remain and you may find yourself ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite so important as it once was.