Children Who Grieve Need Your Support!

As a child we have all been there. The death of our pet hamster, goldfish or family cat / dog. But what happens to a child when a parent, grandparent, sibling or school friend dies? 

How do children cope with grief? How can we support them?

1. Living with the pain of loss

Unlike the pets we have lost as children, the first time a person dies who is close and whom they loved can create in them a sense of  profound abandonment. Nightmares, bed wetting, uncontrollable sadness, behaviour changes or fear of their own death are all possible reactions to a death. Children live mostly in the present and do not understand that given time, their feelings of today will subside. In addition, they may feel responsible in some way for the death of their loved one and carry that guilt for years or withdraw into themselves fearing "doing it again".. 

They Need Reassurance

Don't underestimate the impact a loss has on a child even if they do not respond as expected. Reassure the child that their basic needs will be met and that over time their pain will decrease. Keep routines and standards of behaviour as much as possible, as this will enforce that while their loved one died, they will go on as before.

2. Children are unique in expressing their grief  

Few children have the ability to name or express their feelings. Since children haven't developed buffers to pain as adults often have, the feelings they experience may be overwhelming for them. As a result children often express their grief through their behaviour such as separation anxiety, crying, withdrawal, bed-wetting, disinterest in food, or disruptive behaviour at school.

They Need the opportunity to express their grief in their own way

Help children share their grief though drawing, storytelling, or music; making memory boxes with photos or trinkets of good times.Help them write poetry or letters to the person who has died. This becomes a bridge to their expression of feelings that are difficult to speak or understand. Have them send out a helium balloon with a message written on it to their loved one.

 Don't analyse the child's work; rather allow them to tell you about it. Encourage discussion with open ended questions. "What a wonderful drawing, can you tell me about it?"  "If you could change one thing in your painting, what would it be?" 

3. Grief knows no timeline

Psychological healing time is different to chronological healing time. Children will often break their feelings up into manageable amounts, as it's difficult for them to tolerate ongoing, intense pain. Therefore, it is not unusual to see a variety of emotions unfold in a short span of time as they slowly work through their grief. From sad to happy or lonely to playing with others.

Always be Honest

Children will ask questions over and over again to make sense of what has happened. Let the child know that you want to understand what they are feeling and any question is a good one. Stay honest in your reply using age appropriate wording.

Be patient and don't be afraid to ask them what they are thinking or feeling. When they feel heard and accepted, they will go deeper into sharing their deepest thoughts / fears / feelings.

4. The age of the child will filter their understanding of death

Children are often unable to understand the permanence of death or separation and can anticipate the return of their loved one who has gone. Only as they grow older, will they learn to grasp the finality and permanency of death.

Provide answers to their questions that are age appropriate

Help the child understand that the person who has died is not coming back, but also reassure them that their loved one is not in any pain. Children hear words and create pictures literally, i.e. (The Iron Curtain)  could be seen as a curtain of steel around a country.  Avoid metaphors such as "gone to sleep" or they may fear sleeping. "Lost" as this may cause them to believe their loved one can be found. "At peace now" may have the child think they weren't at peace because of the child's behaviour.


  

5. Role models

It is important that those around them (you) are able to express their grief in a healthy, open manner. Children learn from example and how you grieve gives them permission to be open and honest about their feelings of loss, love and missing their loved one.

Provide by example the model for  healthy grieving

Sadness is as natural an expression as happiness. Children will understand that it's okay for them to do the same as you. You cannot "fix" children's pain, any more than avoidance or distraction can fix yours. If possible, encourage children to be with other children who may have had a similar experience. Peer support is a major means in helping Children cope with loss.  

If in doubt seek out local resources that specialize in Child Bereavement. 

Please post your story here so others who are grieving with children might gain strength from your experience......

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor

• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  

• Hospice Volunteer

• Group Facilitator, Bereavement

• Youth & Family Counseling  

NOTES:

There are resources in many communities, call your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you.

A Letter VIDEO from Mom and Dad

 A Letter VIDEO from Mom and Dad

When we become like children again..... We need your Help!

VIDEO

When mom & dad become like children again..... Help!

The only difference between old and you is years.
If we are lucky, we grow old and tell our stories
of days gone by..... As a young person your gift to older people is to become an excellent listener of these stories! In years to come you will treasure them and be sharing stories of your own!

Share your story on caring for a loved one....

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor

• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  

• Hospice Volunteer

• Group Facilitator, Bereavement

• Youth & Family Counseling  

NOTES:

There are resources in most communities, you can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you.

Butterflies soar, powered by love and loss.....

Such a learning day yesterday.... (September 7th 2014)


Wonderful people remembering their special someone(s)!

 http://bfomidwest.org/

Butterflies soar, powered by love and loss

Everyone remembers their loved one in their own special way.

When a butterfly is seen it is a belief of many that their loved one is thinking about them and saying "Hi! I am O.K.". 

Tell me about your way of celebrating or remembering.... (Balloons; Annual celebration of life; keeping a place setting at home; a shelf of memories etc.) Please post it here so others who are grieving might gain strength from your experience......

NOTES:

There are resources in many communities, call your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you.

Success Stories can be Beautiful!

A beautiful story..... a just reward!

There are so many moving stories of young people going through the fight of their lives and somehow through the power of love, hope, healing and medicine they make it through to the other side.  This is the story of Chloe and I don’t think you’ll have too many words after you hear it.  You may cry a lot of tears of joy however.
This is truly moving stuff…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4WwcGq91VQ

Why Suicide?

Why Suicide?

We need to start talking about suicide and terminal illness..... the life of someone you know may depend on it. If not today maybe in the future. Best prevention is education. Know the signs, know the resources available to you and know you are not alone.

Do you know someone who is having thoughts of suicide? Talking about it can provide tremendous relief.

In fact, being a listener is the best intervention anyone can give.

Find out more: http://suicideprevention.ca/lets-talk-about-suicide/

“It’s not easy to talk about suicide; it can be very uncomfortable,” says Mary-Jo Bolton, assistant director at CASP. “But it’s an important conversation to have.”

Many people believe talking about suicide may cause suicide – this could not be further from the truth. When experience intense emotions, people struggle to problem solve. It is not your job to fix someone else’s problems. Instead, listen, care, validate and be nonjudgmental.

Alzheimer's Request & Bereavement

The above was taped to the door of a person with Alzheimer's.


As I shared time with people of all ages and conditions I have found a commonality in their thinking ....... Fear, Anger, Love, Happiness, Giving, Lonesomeness and Guilt are a few of the ingredients that transform us from the person we were to the one we are becoming.

There are times when our mind cannot separate one form of reality from another and allow one or more of these conditions to increase in strength causing confusion and worry.

The same can be said for people grieving. Reading the above once more try to see how it might apply to a person who is grieving.

Bill Robson C.A.E., ATM gained his experience in grief as a

• Grief Counselor
• Distress Telephone Centre Trainer  
• Hospice Volunteer
• Group Facilitator, Bereavement
• Youth & Family Counseling

There are resources in most communities, send me a quick note and I will do some homework, sending you information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is to ask for assistance. 

This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

Who I was is gone.... WHO AM I NOW?

(Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They grow up and move on. Move away and start their family. The life their parents knew was defined with children at home. Now empty nesters  the parents create a new role as parents and a couple; a new definition of who they are. A different role that is a mixture of sadness for what is no more and questions about what is to be.)  

“The grief process is not only about mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.

The same redefinition of “who am I now?” occurs in grief.

“You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.

• After years of devoting all your spare time as a care-giver to a loved one, “now what do I do,who am I now? ”
• As a parent, “now who am I?” What do I say when people ask “Do you have any children?”
• A life long friend dies and you feel lost, not knowing anyone you trust as much to share your deepest secrets with.
• If a brother / sister dies, you ask; “Am I still a brother / sister?”
• When a grandparent dies you might feel your family history goes with them. Children's first experience with human death is often when this happens.

There is a need to redefine who you are.

Not for others, but for yourself.

A new definition of “WHO AM I NOW?”

Here are five suggestions on how to try and redefine who you might become.... (the essence of you).

NO NEED TO RUSH: First you need to give yourself time to grieve. Seek out local Grief Groups or Community Grief Counselling. You will know when you are ready to give consideration to these suggestions. 

HOBBIES
Have you ever wanted to try a hobby but never had the time? (Scrap-booking, painting, singing, story teller, photography) Find a friend with a similar interest and join a group together.

VOLUNTEERING is an excellent way to meet new people. Cook for people who live alone; be a hospital friendly visitor; join a community committee planing special events.... give back and feel good for having assisted others in some way.

ADULT EDUCATION
Sign up for a general interest course or to get a certificate or degree.

TRAVEL is an option as well. Visit family who live far away from you. Friends you have not seen for a long time.

FAITH BASED ACTIVITIES
Join a church or if you already belong, see which groups meet, when and what they do.

There are resources in most communities, a quick note to myself and I will do some homework, sending you the information. You can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations.

The hardest step in regaining the sense of control is to ask for assistance. 

This is not a weakness, it is a strength.

Will my loved one communicate with me?

Studies have found 60+ percent of people who have had a loved one die (parent, spouse, child, or sibling) have felt their presence one or more times after their death. Some soon after and for a short period of time, while others said the experiences lasted on and off for several years.

40+ percent said they heard their loved one talking to them or singing their favorite song.

All bereaved replying said they found great comfort in these events, as it reinforced that their loved one was at peace and the spirit or essence of the person was still alive.

After the death of a loved one there are many different beliefs about how a deceased communicates with you to say..... 

"I am here with you and I'm O.K.". 

A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means a loved one is visiting you. They have also been known to make an appearance during times of celebration or sadness.. 

Seeing a butterfly fluttering around you when normally there are none.
This ls your loved one saying "HELLO!"

Finding "Dimes" or "Quarters" around your house where they should not be  and their presence cannot  be explained. 

Strange light or shadow in the night, a picture frame moved, or an item falling off a flat surface. All have been reported by people after their loved one died.

Dreams are the biggest reported means of communication with a loved one. They interact by sharing stories, asking for guidance, or talking about a special event that has or will soon happen.

What ever you choose to believe please remember, the one who is grieving finds comfort in these happenings, it helps them travel their journey in a more peaceful way. They don't need "naysayers"...   they need someone to listen and acknowledge that these events have happened.  NOT to everyone who has lost a loved one, but some.

I

NOTES:

There are resources in most communities, you can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you.

My Grief Journey….. How Do I know I am moving forward?

My Grief Journey…..

How Do I know I am moving forward?

As you travel on a grief journey it is often difficult to know (or believe) you are moving forward. 

There is no magic Grief Measuring Tape, no timeline to follow or a special day when you wake up and say “I've arrived, the journey is over!”.

For some the journey never starts; others say it was after the third month that it really got tough; and for others they share how the second year of their loss was the hardest.

Since the grief journey knows no order you will have moments or days when you feel and believe nothing has changed. You are still at the beginning of the journey.  A song, a smell, a gathering or a special anniversary / celebration can hit you without warning in the most difficult situations. This is normal, you are not going crazy; you are not weak…. 

IT IS NORMAL; YOU ARE NORMAL!

To travel back to where you were before grief showed up uninvited will not take as long. You move back to your last step quickly and keep moving on from there.

With small steps, living each day as best you can, the time will come when you will be able to turn around and see that "yes, I have traveled along the grief journey, I am still on it, but I have moved forward."

Here are some signs to look for that say "you are progressing":

• You don’t cry, choke or feel weak at the mention of your loved one’s name.
• Tears don’t always appear when you think of your loved one, or see their picture.
• Memories more often bring comfort or a smile, not pain and tears.
• You make plans with others or on your own knowing they don’t include your loved one any more.
• You realize your life has changed. You are someone different than when your loved one was with you; and you are O.K. with that.
• You realize and accept that you are still living, although your love one is not.
• The cause of death isn’t the emphasis anymore.
• You know in your heart that even though your loved one died, the love between you can never be destroyed. It will live on forever as will your memories of them.
• When your love for them is what you remember most.
• You wonder how your loved one would have handled it if you had died first… and smile.

There are no rules to a grief journey. Each of us starts as a result of the death of a loved one…. There the similarities end. Our paths may cross at times (but this is not a spectator sport) and we must (each of us) give grief the time and energy it requires so we can move on and live. 

NOTES:

There are resources in most communities, you can also seek out your local volunteer bureau for a list of organizations that can assist you.

“I’m sorry to tell you…you have cancer.”

Picture yourself on a roller-coaster… you are on top of the biggest drop ever and as you begin to fall you feel your stomach sink; your body tightens or you start shaking and your mind (or mouth) starts yelling “Nooooo!”. You truly feel “this is it, I’m done!”.

Now take this pictured experience; (X’s these feelings by 100 or more) Now you have a little better understanding of the shock, disbelief and fear when a family member or friend learns they have been diagnosed with cancer.... When their doctor says….

“I’m sorry to tell you, you have cancer.”

When cancer is their diagnosis, the person is overwhelmed, numb and frightened. Their mind flashes to all the people they new who did not survive their cancer…. Questions rush through such as “Do I tell my family I have cancer?” (Family, friends, my employer). “If yes, when and how do I tell them?” “How will my family survive without me?”

Medical advancements in the fight against cancer have improved in leaps & bounds over the last ten years and more.  Today many people are treated and survive their diagnosis.  It can be a very rough road, but a cancer diagnosis does not have to mean the end of their life. 

There are so many moving stories of young people going through the fight of their lives and somehow through the power of love, hope, healing and medicine they make it through to the other side.  This is the story of Chloe and I don’t think you’ll have too many words after you hear it.  You may cry a lot of tears of joy however.

This is truly moving stuff…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4WwcGq91VQ

It DOES MEAN they are in for a roller-coaster ride like no other; it means they will need many people to give them strength and help as they travel this very scary journey…..

YOU can be one of these “Helpers”. Even with no medical training or experience you too can assist your family member or friend as they travel their journey with cancer.

Here are some suggestions on how you can be of great assistance doing small tasks.

 Most of us have no idea how to ask for help. Men (as an example) find it hard to ask for directions when lost on a road trip, let alone ask for “help” because they are battling cancer.  They wouldn't even know what to ask for or how or who.

Many people will make vague offers. “Just let me know if I can help in anyway.” (They won't be called). Pride, ego, they don’t want to bother you, or are afraid it will be seen as a weakness…. They just won’t call and ask for help.

To help your friend and make their life easier, give tangible, much-needed specific support.  Don’t ask a question, make it a statement,..

“I will be over Saturday to cut the grass.”

“I will pick you up at 10:00 sharp and drive you to your Chemo appointment.”

“I’m bringing dinner over tomorrow night and we’ll eat together. Any food allergies?”

Additional ways to help make their life easier….

Deliver several pre-made meals. Place them in Freezer-bags so there is nothing to return to you after their use.

Send a quick email, text, or message saying you're thinking of them.

Place "No need to respond" at the end of your email or phone message -- they'll appreciate hearing from you without feeling the need to do anything in return.

• Take them shopping or do it for them. Ask for their list and what store(s) they prefer.
• Take time to visit and while there put a load of laundry on; dust, do the dishes or vacuum.
• Offer to take them out for a coffee or lunch date.
• Offer to visit. Check that they're feeling up for it or incase there is already a scheduled visit from a DR. Home Visit Nurse or PSW.
• Offer to take them out to a movie. If too tired, suggest a TV show they like and visit at their home. You bring the popcorn.
• Offer a ride to chemo and keep them company during the treatment. 
• Let them know you're "on call" for emergencies. Do they have your home phone and cell numbers?   

• Fresh flowers can be an infection risk for some cancer patients with weakened immune systems. Be safe… no flowers.
• Order take-out for delivery, ask if there are dietary limitations and then order it to be delivered.
• Bring them a good book or magazine on a topic they like (Hobbies, Sports, Travel etc.).
•  Send a legible “Thinking of You card”. A common side effect of cancer is tired eyes.  
• You can offer to be a "Point Person" screening callers and visitors.  Right after a diagnosis there are many calls with offers to help, but the person with cancer may be overwhelmed and may prefer some quiet space.

Remember to still be there after the diagnosis, when it's not so new anymore. The calls and offers will have died down, but your special someone is still struggling and needing concrete and emotional help.

• If they have a dog or cat, offer to come by and take it for a walk or to the groomers.
• If there are children offer to babysit, do a school pick-up, or have them over for a sleepover.
• Does your friend have a garden or lawn? Offer to come by and do some watering cutting / trimming and weeding.  
• When is garbage day? Come by and put it out…. Return and bring in the empty bins.

If you can, and your friend feels comfortable accepting it, give some cash… cancer can mean a huge financial hit. (Between hospital bills and the loss of income if they can't work.

• Buy a monthly parking pass for family members when the person has a prolonged hospitalization. Most hospital parking will provide a weekly or monthly pass for daily use.
• Help them buy a hat, wig, or scarf if they will lose their hair with treatment. If able, buy it for them.
• Be an awesome listener, don't give advice, don't try to be cheery; just listen and let the person talk. This is their journey not yours.
• Cancer isn't contagious so remember a hug is a powerful way of saying “I love you… I care!”